Confidence.

It's about deciding to do something way out of your comfort zone and sticking to your decision. Yesterday I let my friend and her unsuspecting house guest (that I had just met that morning) paint my naked body. Then I biked around city streets with other fellow nakedly painted people. :)

Break

I have taken a break from blogging as it seems that all I want to write about is depressing. Writing out my frustrations tends to be therapeutic, but even I am getting annoyed with the amount of negativity that I exude right now.

At the same time it seems impossible to catch a break. It's as if someone whacks me in the face just when I find successes in my life. I had a long day. I was away from home from 8:30am-9:30pm. The man I am living with was home on and off throughout the day. At 3:30pm he came home to find that Lola had torn apart one side of the couch. Seriously?! Not only am I in debt because of my home fiasco but now I have to buy my friend a new couch because of it! Had I been living in Fremont I would have been able to come home in between appointments and let Lola out and give her attention so that her boredom wouldn't lead her to furniture destruction. Then yesterday, I came home late and went upstairs to see if Lola had been fed dinner yet. My friend just looked at me and said "Lola, well..." and I knew she had done something mischievous. Somehow she was inside when he left the house for only 2 hours and came home to find Lola with her head buried in his dog's food bag. Her belly wasn't uncomfortably protruding but it was definitely bigger than normal. All of this could be avoided with regular stimulation and exercise which becomes impossible when my life takes place 5 miles from where Lola and I currently live. In addition, she has been coughing a lot more the past week. What that means...well...so far none of the five vets we have seen can tell us.

It feels like I have turned numb. When more crappy things happen it doesn't seem to phase me. It is just the way of my life. I never used to be like this. I was always the optimistic one. I WANT to be that person again. I want to be happy.

Lost refugee ...

Today's horoscope: You may have lost control of your everyday activities when Mercury retrograded through your 3rd House of Immediate Environment for the past few weeks. However, you need to regain any authority that you lost now that it's again turning direct. You might feel as if you should do something drastic to handle everything today, but you would be much wiser to move slowly and gently. You're not in as much of a hurry as you think. Okay, so the beginning is true but I disagree with the statement to move slowly. I don't have control over my life right now. Ok, yes, there are things that I do have control over, but I have a hard time allowing myself to focus on the controllable. I just feel that I can never get ahead. Once I think something is going well a surprise is lurking to remove that happiness from me. Yes, I know I am being very evasive so I'll try to specify a bit...

A friend of mine said to me today: you are basically a refugee. I hadn't thought about it that way. I guess it is true. I own a home that I pay a horrendous mortgage on every month, but I cannot live in my home and this is completely out of my control. I am living with a family which has been fabulous. They are so generous and patient. But it is tough for me. I feel like I am encroaching on their space and adding more stress into their lives. In turn, this stresses me out. I have been working so hard to live around them as to not distrupt their routine, that I have been neglecting to take care of myself. Yet I just feel useless. I have worked hard to make my presence positive but it seems every extra effort I make creates additional stress.

I went hiking on Monday with my dear friend Kiah. I thoroughly enjoy our hiking explorations and the chats that ensue in the wilderness. It was breazy, not too hot and not too cold. There was a chance of rain, but all that we experienced was a wee drizzle. We met at the Trailhead for Bridal Veil Falls/Lake Serene. I took my host family's dog (a gorgeous Swiss Mountain Dog) as well little Lola Mango (yes, Lola now has a middle name). It is hard not to get lost in conversation and take for granted the incredible beauty of the northwest. Often we would pause eachother to stop and look at a majestic view or a crazy root system of a tree. The hike was pretty challenging. I do not believe it is as kid friendly as advertised. The trail was often made of uneven rocks, many of which were unstable. Good thing Kiah and I have killer calves and strong ankles. Though I must say, my calves reminded me of their presence today. Our first stop was Bridal Veil Falls. Phenomenal. One of those natural beauties that is difficult to express in words without experiencing it completely. The overwhelming sound and smell of the falls bombards you before you get to see the beauty. After taking in the roaring water and giving the pups a well deserved snack we trucked along to the Lake. This lake was named correctly. The lake was so calm that it looked as if you could just walk right into the mirror image of the snowy mountains surrounding reflected in the serene water. We continued on and followed the signs to Lunch Rock. Yup a ginormous smooth rock that lets you look onto the lake and watch the avalanches fall down the mountains nearby. I am so greatful I could experience this hidden jewel. After we paused long enough to lose sensation in our fingers it was time to head back to our cars.

We were having a lovely time until we lost site of Lola. She often runs ahead and when she is out of my site I call her and she returns immediately. This time it didn't work. I was terrified. We knew she was ahead of us but we circled back just to check to see if she had falled or been attacked or one of the other millions of horrifying possibilities that were running through my head. We went forward more, then back, then forward again and then back and decided we'd just keep going hoping she would be found. After what was probably a terrifying 30-45 minutes a woman with two dogs approached. She asked if we own a black lab with a blue pack on. Lola was super friendly and said hello but would not walk with the woman, instead she was intent on heading to the car park. This was a huge relief. We stopped checking every bush and upped our pace to reunite ourselves with my lost puppy. Sure enough, she was sleeping in the parking lot. Animals are amazing creatures. They are loyal and head back to their home base. An adorable older couple was sitting in their van when we arrived. They said they'd been there for a little over 20 minutes. When they arrived Lola was laying in the parking lot, came over to say hello, and then went back to lay near the car. Animals are incredibly intelligent. I can only imagine what was going through her head. I mean, I can't even think about what I would do if I got lost in the middle of the woods.

After a successful if not emotionally tiring hike I headed back to Seattle. I knew that the smelly and muddy dogs may not be what my host family would appreciate in a nice clean home so I drove straight to a dog wash shop. I got there 15 minutes before closing. The worker was hesitant but let me try my best to wash both dogs and let her clip there nails before closing time. Yup, uh huh, I showed her. She was so appreciative that I respected her 15 minute time frame that she only charged me for one dog. Both dogs smelled like lavendar and mint when they passed out inside of the entryway. Unfortunately, Lola's muscles were fatigued, but her tummy was troubled. She woke me up in the middle of the night with a very unpleasant surprise. Yuck. Then at 8 I took her our and she did more business. I went back to bed and woke up to more business on the carpet at 9. My idea of having two happy, clean and exercised dogs backfired. Lola's obsession with sticks got the best of her and put a hinder into everyone's day.

Unfortunately her digestive issues aren't the only problems she is facing. She started coughing again Sunday night. She finished her last antibiotics on Thursday. They weren't crazy coughs but enough that I called the vet to schedule an appointment and to make sure that a hike would be safe. They said just to watch her and abort the hike if at any time she started coughing or showing fatigue. The girl happily completed a 7+ mile hike. But as I write her breathing sounds difficult and rapid and her coughs are loud, seemingly productive and painful sounding. This is what she was like in January and all the many times I took her to previous vets. I don't know what to do anymore. We don't have a home for her to be sick in. I am sleeping on the couch tonight to not scare my host family. Her coughs are violent enough to wake those in neighboring rooms. She can't continue to suffer like this. She isn't even 2! I just wonder how the stress of our current nomadic life is impacting her health.

A dear friend is and will be missed.

Life isn't fair. I know that. It hurts each time I am confronted with that reality. This afternoon I received a delightful adjustment, had a theraputic chat and shared a hug with my chiropractor. I was invigorated. I looked at my phone to find a voicemail from a neighbor asking me to call her. I immediately thought it might be an issue regarding my unit. Unfortunately it was not.

Her boyfriend, my dear friend and neighbor Tom, was killed Tuesday night. I tremble writing this. He was dog-sitting in Del Mar. He took the dog for a walk and was hit by a train. It is impossible to rationalize. He most likely felt he had cleared the tracks but did not take into account the 4 foot overhang that a train has past the tracks. The dog was fine. CPR was performed on him immediately but he died at the scene.

Tom was an amazing man. He was my neighbor and friend. I looked up to him. He was one of those people you looked forward to seeing on the streets and didn't mind spending 30 minutes out of your busy schedule to chat with. He made friends with everyone he met. He took care of everyone's pets when they were out of town. He took care of my dear Lola when I was away and when I worked late. He had a key to my home and I felt comfortable sending him in not only to care for my dog but to borrow random things when I wasn't home. He knew everyone. You couldn't have a conversation on the street with him without 2 or 3 people stopping to say hello. He never forgot a name. He built community. He loved connecting people. He was goofy, opinionated and fun. He went the extra mile to help wherever he could. He recently became my condo's landscaper. He had not yet been paid. He lived in the complex and did the work to help out. He wanted to make our home beautiful. He loved animals. He knew all of the neighborhood dogs by name. He had a special bond with animals and went out of his way to care for them. He died doing what he loved: taking care of a beautiful and kind dog. Knowing that his friends trusted him and asked him to fly to California repeatedly to care for their dog only shows how trusting and compassionate he was. I met him through Lola. Like many, he saw the bity bundle in my arms and came over to say hello. I am a first time pet owner and he was always there to talk with me about questions and concerns. When Lola heard Tom's voice from across the street she would run to see him. Often times, if we were in safe distance I would have to let the leash go since she would pull so hard to see him. She loved him and he always snuck a kiss from her when we'd walk by. He adored his girlfriend. He talked about how amazing she is any chance he could. He was happy. He enjoyed life. He enjoyed his surroundings and did what he could to make them better for those around him. I still can't believe he is gone.

Life's challanges

Tragedy does build community. Okay, so what is going on in my home isn't a tragedy but it is tough. As much as it sucks that my bedroom is taped off only allowing a tube to reach the gynormous dehumidifier running 24 hours per day in my kitchen. Men in my home in hazmat suits and masks tossing rotten wood out of my window. So here's the deal. The wall was completely saturated as was the floor. They opened the wall, hoping to find some salvagable materials. Nope. The term the water damage restoration guy said wascompost. My walls were compost. He even said there was ivy growing into the walls. Basically I have a forest with a marsh in my bedroom. The cause? At first it was thought to be a pipe that was clogged. That was the case, but it appears to be more than that considering the entire wall was removed. It is more of a weather-proofing issue that is most likely a case of negligence on the part of the developer.

It just seems like things tend to be never-ending. First I lose my job. Then my dog is in the ER. Then mold comes up through the floor-boards and I am stuck on my living room floor for 3 weeks. Now my floors and wall have been ripped out and I still have no idea how this will be paid for and if this will happen again. But on the other hand, I feel like people care. My neighbors come in to check on me and how things are going. I had coffee with a friend who I hadn't seen in over a year to talk about my problems and options. My friends are letting me stay in their home until this all ends. I feel like a lot of people care and they are all trying to help me through this challenge. I love my home and I love my neighborhood but I will never feel comfortable in my own home. I wish there was a way for me to leave, to get out of the purchase. Had I known these problems had occured in the past I would not have been so excited about the unit. One of my friends asked: After all is said and done, what will make you feel whole again? Truthfully I don't think that I could live in this home and feel whole. I will always know that this is where my puppy suffered 9 long months of pneumonia. Where my exhaustion and lethargy ultimately led to my termination from a job. How can I return to my bedroom and relax when I know that it has harmed me and may do so for years. I want to sell and start over. But how?

Competition.

When did we come to be a culture that is always in competition to be the worst off? Why is it always better if we slept the least or we have the highest bills. Shouldn't we celebrate successes and help each other gain pleasure in our lives so that we no longer compete for the worst off? This frustration stems from a conversation with some family friends. The bulk of the four hour conversation was complaining about money and how bad everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is. I know all about their financial advisor, I even know his name, but I didn't really get to hear about what they are doing and what brings them joy. They started talking about being excited for the next football season... and then started complaining about the changes in parking and yada yada yada. I haven't seen them since my father's funeral over a year ago and all I know about is their financial insecurity. When did depression become a competition?

Today, I had a delightful day with a great friend and two frisky four legged friends. Just take a lesson from them. They were so excited to be out in the mountains, exploring trails, trees and mud. My friend and I don't have the most spectacular things going on in our lives, but we didn't compare our woes. We touched on them, listened to each other, but in no way tried to compare who is worse off. Who cares?! We were enjoying each other's company and the spectacular surroundings that were challenging our bodies. I mean, we are the guide to our own woes and happiness so complaining about how bad we have it is just an insult to ourselves. Instead, we took the positive route and celebrated where we are and what we have.

I'm back.

Today was filled with a delightful run, empowering yoga, a student's breakthrough, errands completed and flowers. I bought one cheap bouquet and trickled it around the house filling my home with beautiful fragrances and vibrant color.

After 2 months of doldrums and depression I think I am on the upswing. Last Wednesday I had a breakthrough. It was a delightful and beautiful day. I didn't have any clients. I slept in, of course, and milled around the house a bit. I decided to take Lola for a little stroll around the neighborhood when a dear friend called. Her and her beautiful son were at a bakery nearby so the pooch and I went to see them. It is hard to explain, but the combination of sun, a silly two-year old and an uplifting chat helped me keep going that day. When I got home I didn't waste my time in front of the computer or watch TV, I was productive! Since then, things have been great.

I have decided to begin freelance translation to supplement teaching. I am still trying to figure out how to actually go about creating my own business, but I am ready. It is perfect for me. I love reading and communicating. It is an awesome way to share my talents and learn about a variety of subjects. Last night I made myself an office. Through creative organization, I reorganized my living room so that there is a section dedicated only to work or study. I am organizing files, learning translation software, researching teaching tools... I am doing well. My next steps are to create a website. I want to create a website that will advertise Italian teaching and translation, with the hopes of adding Pilates instruction and doula/lactation consultation in the future. I am excited. I like being home. I don't miss showering in a hurry and rushing off to a job where I am not intellectually challenged or confronted with fake pleasantries. That isn't to say that I didn't have real relationships. I think I did. I still maintain contact with some coworkers. It is sad that I have lost contact with others I thought were close. But that's life. Crisis reveals a friendship's true colors.

I have come to terms with the fact that my real-estate investment is really a curse. Last week I found mold in my bedroom. Almost 1/3 of the floor is saturated and the walls are saturated 2ft from the floor. It sucks, but it also explains a lot. Not only have I been experiencing the symptoms of hypothyroidism, but also mold inhalation. After discussing the excruciating headaches and abnormal fatigue I have been experiencing in the past month, my doctor is starting to think the leak that caused the current mold/saturation problem has existed for quite some time. In can also be contributing Lola's inability to get over 9 months of pneumonia! Insurance sucks. They act like mold is a big deal and needs to be taken care of immediately, but then they wait a week to actually send an adjustor out to take a preliminary look at the damage. That is the first freakin step! That should have happened last Thursday. Oh well. We'll see. It looks like I'll need to hire 3 different contractors. The first to fix the outside leak. The second to dry out the walls and floors. The third to put in new walls and flooring.

Since Thursday the bedroom has been closed and I have set up a bed in the living room. I have already noticed a significant difference! My headaches aren't as piercing and I have a bit more energy. (I also found out my TSH levels haven't changed much since diagnosis. We changed the dose and added a few adrenal supports to my diet. That should also change my energy levels). I can run again!! Lola and I ran Greenlake and then I went to my favorite yoga class. I was able to run! We ran the entire lake. Just one week ago I couldn't run a mile. The fatigue (most likely mold induced) was overwhelming. I would be breathing hard and get hot quickly. I run on cold, so it was weird. I was able to zone into yoga, not just passively do the poses. It was a breakthrough! Just 5 days of not sleeping in a mold infested room. Crazy huh?