Giving thanks

Honor. Thanksgiving to me, is about honor. Honoring yourself, those around you, the food that sustains us and the relationships that come about from caring for yourself and others. I had a very non-traditional Thanksgiving. I did not travel to be with family. I took the day to care for myself and honor my Father, who passed away December 26, 2009. He would have turned 69 on November 20th, last Friday. I didn't realize how emotional draining the holidays and memories of the challenges this time-last year held. How I have described it to many is that I have been a fountain. I use comedy as a method to talk about what I am going through, but not dwell on the sadness and not cry in front of everyone I talk to. Since my father's birthday I decided I wanted to honor him on Thanksgiving. I attended a yoga class Thanksgiving morning to benefit Northwest Harvest and the Humane Society. 42 people attended in a room that normally holds 25 max. We all practiced side by side. But because of the proximity the practice focused on channeling energy to the centerline. A more moon focused practice rather than a traditional sun focused practice. It was an interesting combination to be sharing a practice with so many people, in honor of helping others while focusing energy on ourselves and our hearts. I dedicated my practice to my father and to the strength he gave me. I am grateful that eyes are closed often in yoga, that way I didn't have to see those who may have noticed my tears.

Lola, as many know, gives me a close connection to my father. Part of the reason I adopted her was so that she could be a therapy dog for my dad. The last trip outside of his home was to visit her litter in the shelter and pick her out. She came home with me a week later. Exactly a week after she became a part of my home, he passed away. Part of me wonders if he was waiting for her. Not her exactly, but something that would always be there for me to take care of me. I know that at times he felt he was a burden on me. He wasn't, but I get it. He wanted to see me happy and taken care of, preferably by a man, but I guess an adorable puppy was good enough. Lola and I went over to his house everyday. She was about 15 pounds back then; good holding size. Every now and then he would look down at her and say: She is so pretty. She is good. She was an amazing addition to the rest of the senior living center too. So many people there grew up with dogs but don't have the ability to take care of one now. They let her nibble on their fingers and they watched her chase after treats. Once she is off antibiotics I hope to get her certified so that she can officially be a therapy dog. I miss the people my dad lived with. They became part of my support network. They knew his condition and watched the changes that occurred in his body and mind every day with me.

Oh yeah, so I arrived at this tangent because Lola was and is my support when I am sad. Even at 8 weeks she knew when it was time to comfort me. She was the one with me when my father died. She was not allowed in the facility (since she was too young to have all of her shots). I would go outside every hour or so and play with her, then put her back in the car. Which in reality, may have been a really good pause. When he died I went out to see her and she of course thought it was another play session. Within 5 seconds she felt my tears and nuzzled herself into my chest. That is the most amazing feeling of love. Later that evening I went to a dear friend's house where my Swiss Mountain Dog friend Peri lives. She did the same thing. The instant she felt my sadness she cuddled next to me with a very concerned expression on her face. Sorry, so many tangents.

I knew that Lola needed to be a part of honoring my father Thanksgiving morning. After yoga I went to the gym to sweat out some of my nervousness. Then Lola and I went to the dog park with the hope of making her a calm dinner guest later in the evening. After an hour of play time was interrupted by a scary mean poodle we headed down to the beach at Golden Gardens. No matter the time of year, beaches are so beautiful and calming. There were a number of families around, but it almost felt better to not be alone on the beach. After listening to the water while Lola jumped around driftwood and nibbled on seaweed I spread my father's ashes. I watched as they stayed together in the water and slowly drifted downstream. I walked with them for a bit, but lost strength and just sat down in the sand with Lola in my arms and watched. He loved the beach. Anywhere we went in our travels, we always ended up on a beach. Our most honest and open talks occurred at the beach. He loved the weekend walks we'd take at Golden Gardens. Even though he grew up in the trees, I know that the water is where he wanted to be.

Nearby, a family noticed what I had done. As Lola and I walked down the beach they stopped to talk to me. They had two playful dogs that of course loved Lola. They knew what I had done and stayed with me for a good 30 minutes while our dogs played and I recomposed myself. They were rock hunting and when they came across a heart-shaped rock they gave it to me. It was in my pocket for a few days and is now at the side of my bed. It will make me remember this day for the rest of my life. I am continually amazed by the kindness and generosity of complete strangers. It is hard to share what I am feeling with friends my age, but they were able to understand and provide the type of support I needed in that moment. They didn't ask me whose ashes I spread, when they died or how I felt. They just stayed with me and talked to me. It was an amazing morning that I will always cherish.

Taking the morning for myself helped me prepare for the evening. I didn't give myself a time frame, I just let the day go as I pleased. I came home to bake, shower and prepare myself and Lola for dinner. I went to a friend's house to join his Thanksgiving dinner with friends. I didn't know anyone but the host, but that was actually fine. It was nice being around people who didn't know what my morning entailed. I was able to keep that to myself and just relax. Sometimes it takes time to process before you are ready to talk about it. The other generous invitations I had were with people who knew. I felt so loved to have so many dinner options, but really wanted to remain close to home with my supportive puppy.

Giving in.

I love running outside. I love the sense of accomplishment I get from making it to a certain place and the views I get to enjoy along the way. I used to run my dog to Gasworks, climb the hill and take in the city view across Lake Union each morning. Each morning was beautiful and exhilarating with a slightly different sky above. The sky would still be dark, and the downtown buildings were yet to wake up. The only sounds nearby are the crazy crew ladies I always see at Pete's on the way to my bus and my dog running loose exploring each patch of grass. I used to run to work in Pioneer Square. I worked my hardest to keep up with the bike commuters and often caught up at the following stop-light. Arriving to work by foot always gives me an amazing sense of accomplishment. I used to run Greenlake on Sundays as a warm-up to a lovely JL yoga class. Depending on the weather and the weekend there are you regulars and then different crowds of families, kids, tourists, etc. to pass while huffing and puffing around the lake. Recently I have enjoyed the Cheshiahud Loop that circles Lake Union. However, after my a run in the soaking rain last week I decided it was time to give in. I need to learn to appreciate gyms and their offer of good health and energy through the rainy, windy and cold winter months. I'm just not down with spending that huge chunk'o'change each month for facilities I don't use all year round. So, to ease my way into it I am shopping around. I am doing the free trial circuit around the Fremont and Ballard area. It's kinda fun, other than the beginning sales pitch, but that is the reason they give you the free trials. Earlier in the week I went to Sound, Mind and Body in Fremont and had a physical exam by a PT which made me feel pretty good about myself. They have a really great facility with a good layout. The cardio machines all face the window that looks out onto the Burke Gilman and the Canal. The price however is more than a small chunk of change in addition to joining fees and fees to put a membership on hold. Kinda a bummer. This week I have been going to Anytime Fitness which is right around the corner from my house. Great location! Awkward atmosphere but it is cheap and has just about everything I'd want. If only they had a jacuzzi tub or sauna. Next on the list is Olympic Athletic Club in Ballard. This is turning out to be a pretty fun hobby. :)

Leaves and Love

Dogs can really teach us a lot about life. Yes, I just said that. Cliche, I know. But it really is true. My dog, Lola, is an absolute lover who never holds a grudge. She doesn't mind when people don't like her. If another dog or person snips at her, she will stay still for about 5 seconds a bit perplexed. Then she'll lay a few wet kisses on them. When they turn away she kisses them some more, but they tend never to bark again. Rather than argue or yell, as we often do, she just goes in for some lovin. Most dogs sniff the rear to understand their new doggie friend, Lola on the other hand, will make-out and then if they don't play right away she'll smell the rear. It kinda makes you rethink those people you avoid talking to because of an abrasive first impression or a stern personality.

So many little things make her happy. Her favorite thing to do is stay still on the couch when I come home from work then,the second I sit down to take off my shoes she barrel hugs me and excitedly kisses me. She also loves to put a toy on your lap, asking to play tug or catch. If you are busy and don't respond, she doesn't care. She'll toss the toy in the air herself and chase it. Or she'll grab a bone and sit as close to you as possible no matter where you are and chomp away. She loves sleeping curled up in the small of your back, as close as possible. Then in the morning while waking up she lays her head on my tummy with the look of, Really, it's time to get up already? Sucker, I can lounge all day! Recently I learned she is a fan of America's Next Top Model. Well, the elimination portion of the show that is. She was walking around doing her thing for the entire show until elimination when she was standing 5 inches away from the screen attentively awaiting Tira's decision. She must not be into the drama, just who's going to be on top. But, her #1 all-time love: Leaves. She is a fanatic. The front yard of the funeral home near my house is covered in leaves. All I do is kick them around with my feet and she goes balistic. It never gets old and she will look up at you smiling as if to say in a hyper excited way, Oh my gosh, that was so amazing, did you see that yellow one, and then that orange one, and then when it flew on my head and then and then and then...Can you tell I love my pup?