Bus talk

If you had a captive audience would you take advantage of it? I rode the bus to work this morning. I have been feeling super jello-ie and fat, but also very tired. So I slept in today rather than going for my usual morning run. That meant that I rode the bus to work. This particular driver is pretty awesome. He comments on the cars and people around him, either to himself or to those sitting near him. He has a fun morning tradition of asking his bus riders a trivia question. Today's question: What five syllable word describes a one-syllable word? I don't think I have been on his bus in over 5 months, but I always remember and enjoy his morning trivia. Sometimes people are just in their morning zombie stuper, but sometimes his questions get a little bit of conversation flowing. Sometimes you also have the drivers that just talk non-stop, as if it is open mic night at a bar or the therapists offie. Bus culture is interesting. Everyone has their own bus personality. There are the people with their iPods blaring telling all those around: Please do not attempt to talk or make eye contact with me. There are the observers. They are the people watching bunch that sometimes forget they are staring at you. Yes, sometimes when I forget I am not wearing sunglasses I fall into that group. There are the drunks in the back that smell like a fifth of Jack no matter what time of day. There are talkers, the ones who start telling you about their problems and by the end of the 15 minute bus ride I know where they were born, that their father was protective, their wife cheated on them with their best friend and what sandwich they ate yesterday. They often just talk to talk, they aren't really interested in the person they are talking to. There are also the phone talkers. Same as the regular talker, just that you have to imagine what the person on the other line is saying, but you tend to get more detail on their day to day problems and struggles than that of the regular talker. I like the variety that bus riding provides. Public transit exposes to to all of the different types that make up your city.

I just want to sleep...

Yesterday's horoscope: Even if you aren't enjoying your work today, it's easy to make it look like you're having fun. This can become a game for you that alleviates your boredom and actually makes life more pleasurable. But there could be a price to pay for hiding your true feelings if you don't know when to call it quits. Unexpressed negative emotions can turn into resentment, so it may be wiser to just be honest from the beginning.

It's funny how spot on these can be sometimes. There isn't really more to explain. I woke up very out of it and cranky. I woke up once from a 2am phone call and another time from Lola coughing. She stayed in bed past my wake-up time. She usually gets up with the first alarm while I press snooze. I just want her to get better, have healthy energy levels and stop coughing! Looks like another $300 at the vet is in order. :( I can't even remember the last time I was able to sleep more than 5 hours consecutively. I hate waking up cranky because then Lola thinks I am mad. But it is hard to be sweet and loving when I have been consistently sleep deprived for over 4 months. I know mothers experience it, but at least they can feed and change their babies to put them back to bed. A pacifier doesn't work for coughs.

On the hunt for pink

I visited a good college friend in San Diego this weekend. She and her husband are living there while she completes her PhD. They are great people. This was my second visit to their Cali home. I love visits when your hosts get to partake in your vacation.

It is amazing seeing two people who are so perfect for eachother. They just get eachother and make eachothers' lives better. They have cute little couple language, looks, traditions. They truly care for and about eachother. It is great to see that. Of course it sucks to not have that myself, nor to have experienced it. But it makes me see what is possible and reinforces why my past is my past.

Friday's goal was to acquire the most rockin pink attire for our mud run the following day. Amanda and I spent the day going to Target, Walmart and all of those teenage stores you would normally never set foot in on the hunt for pink. It was a silly waste of the day but pretty damn awesome. The most prized acquisitions of the evening were 2 pink feather boas. ;)

Community

I love my tiny little home in Fremont. It has been great to create and discover so many little connections. I know several business owners and many know me by name. I sometimes spend an hour in the pet supply store down the street, not shopping but talking to the owner. I wave at my vet as I walk to the language school I teach at. My neighbors say hello and wait to hear the response to: How are you? So, last night I was stressed, as usual. I didn't have a puppy sitter for my San Diego trip, that I am leaving for in a few minutes. One of my neighbors in a sidewalk conversation had told me just to knock on his door if I ever needed someone to watch Lola...so I did. He was more than willing to take her in the for 5 days of my vacation. He came over right then to go over her food, grab a key and play with the little lady. Not only is he a super nice guy, but he is an animal activist and used to be a vet tech for a holistic vet. It could get any better, but it does. He is also watching a yellow lab this weekend to. So, Lola gets man time and doggie play time all weekend. The generosity around me is sometimes overwhelming. I love making connections like this. He is a lifesaver. I will be able to truly enjoy my vacation knowing my little lady is in good hands.

Relief

I got an email last night from a young aspiring med student with a picture of herself surrounded by baskets of books. Turns out, she was one of my best students my first year of teaching at UW. She followed me through the 100-series. She was a very quiet but incredibly bright student. I even remember her final skit from Italian 101. They may be writing for favors (recommendation letters), but I love hearing from past students and seeing where they have gone. Given that I taught her over 4 years ago and my classes and influence stuck with her makes me feel good. Often times college students never continue with Italian, but I always emphacize that the skills learned in language learning will help them in all facets of their studies. In fact, with this particular student I had to create special worksheets explaining simple grammar. (What is a noun, adverb, subjunctive mood, etc.) This simple little email made my night. :)

I had another heart-to-heart with my boss yesterday. At one point I cried (tears of appreciation, not sadness). Yes, these conversations are happening out in the open since we have an open office layout. Who knows what people think when they walk by. I told him that my future is not here and explained where my passion lies. I told him I had written out explanations and reflections on my time here, but felt it was unnecessary to discuss the details of the past. He was incredibly supportive...other than that slight discomfort with having spent so much effort to push me along in planning with no positive result in his favor. The main point to his stories was that I need to get moving and make changes as soon as possible so that I will never look back at my life with regret. He said he will support me during this transition. He said he will keep me employed for 2-3 months while I figure out how to do what I want to do. That is amazingly gracious, but I don't feel right about it. At a time like this the planning group needs someone who is completely dedicated to the future of the team and their future in the planning field worldwide. At the conclusion of the conversation I told my boss: If reductions in admin staff need to happen Amanda should not be let go. Translation = There are only two admins thus, by deductive reasoning I should be the first to be laid off.

I will miss it here. Yesterday I was following a coworker to her desk. Her high heels accentuated her muscles making her calves look phenomenal...so I told her. She turned a bit red a giggled. Then she said in her sexy Russian accent: You have a cute butt. You wiggle it when you walk. I'll miss her and all of those cute conversations. As sad as it is to walk around the halls knowing that this will not be the place I go or the people that I see 5 times a week, I am relieved. I am not hiding my feelings of discomfort anymore.

Transparency

I wouldn't call it a fault, but I am not able to hide my emotions well. I take that back. When I am dealing with emotions internally, such as those in my personal life that have no logical roadmap, I am able to hide them from others and go along with my daily tasks. However, when in a situation that is completely illogical or frustrating, my face tells it all. On a recent occasion at work I was paged and told I needed to report to my boss immediately. I was in a meeting with an architect, for whom I was producing a document that was to be sent to the client within an hour. I said I was busy and she said this was urgent and I needed to come right away. It was not, it was for her convenience so she would not have to tell me later in the day where to move some architectural models. When I returned to my one-on-one meeting with a busy and frantic architect he said: Your face turns red when you are frustrated. I like that about you. You are easy to read.

It is good. As long as I am around people who are willing to find out what it is that I am frustrated about. Today it became apparent just how transparent my emotions regarding my frustration at work have been. When I started at this company I had big picture initiative and started numerous organization and best practice efforts. Most of my efforts were appreciated in theory, but never implemented. Not because they were bad, just because this company has no policies that they hold their employees accountable to and therefore my efforts, the reason I was hired in my position just seemed like a waste of time. Anyway, that is another rant.

I went to my other boss, the planning one, to ask him for a receipt. That is when he approached me about my current attitude at work. He perceived and was experiencing the detachment and called me out on it. He went on for a good ten minutes on all of the things he has done for me and that I have not taken advantage of them. He also outlined tasks that he gave me that I have not followed up on or been consistent on. He said that I have not been been standing up for myself when Tanya or David ask me to do admin over planning work. He then asked me to think about all of this and make a decision in the next few days because he needs to hire help as soon as possible. I understand and acknowledge all that he said. There is another side to most everything that he mentioned. One example being meeting agendas. He asked me to meet with him with a meeting agenda in place for him to add to. Problem is, I can never find him. He is always in meetings, out of the office or on the phone. When they moved me away from my coworkers within the office collaboration went down the drain. He accused me of not inserting myself into the marketing group since that is one thing I have shown I am good at in the company. Every time I try I am told there is nothing I can help with. Every now and then I go above our marketing rep to the marketing manager. She always lets me help her lighten her workload, but not the planning marketing contact. I could justify almost every statement but what it comes down to is my passion. It is not in planning. As much as I tried to convince myself it was, I can't find the spark.

This is when the boss I came to the company for shined through the frustration. I have more than once had him vent at me for things completely out of my control because, well, I listen. There was more vent related to me than normal, but a lot of his frustrations with me are out of my control. Anywayz. When I told him that I do not feel my heart is in planning he openly spoke with me spiritually. He believes there is a reason I came to work for him, even if it wasn't related to his work. I agree. When I came to the company I was in need of stability and emotional support. I had begun the task of taking care of my father without the support of my family. My coworkers became my family. I had work to do taht intrigued me, but allowed me to go home and take care of my father. My friends were supportive, but they couldn't understand completely what I was going through. At work I was surrounded by people who had gone through similar situations. My coworkers were 1/3 of the attendees at my father's funeral. I think that is what brought me to him. He gave me emotional stability through a great network of coworkers, challenging distractions from my home life and a stable income to keep myself healthy.

Now it really is time for me to move on. I told him my desired direction and interests, so he knows that my heart lies elsewhere. I have a feeling he is going to give me the kick in the pants that I need. I will miss these chats with him, even if I always feel I should have a glass of wine afterward. I have never called someone sage, but he deserves that title. My next task is to write an agenda for my follow-up chat with him this week.

Puppies rock

If you are ever feeling down, give a puppy a spoonful of peanut butter, sit back and observe. You will feel better in no time. :)

Unfortunately, it doesn't last forever. My mind has been drawn in 50 different directions lately and it just feels like nothing seems to be going right. I just want to press pause, just for one day.
1. Lola continues to have her cough. When I think one of her ailments is better another one layers itself on top.
2. The developer of my condo complex has no money and cannot uphold the 2 year warranty or any other contract items. This means all of the fixes that need to be done condo-wide and on my individual unit will all be out of pocket.
3. My job continues to lead to no where and makes me feel down and useless every day I go in.
4. Fundraising for the Breast Cancer 3-day has proven to be incredibly challenging. Our yard sale has been a bust and I often feel like I am the only one on my team.

I am looking forward to a bit of Nicole Hatha Flow to calm my mind and let me reflect on all that has happened in the last few hours. More soon....

Pronto?

A cute memory of my dad came up while I was teaching last night. We were reading some vocabulary for pronunciation when we came across the word pronto. Do you ever have those moments when certain words or certain phrases repeat in your head in that signature way someone else says it? My dad used to answer the phone (no matter where he was) like an Italian would by saying pronto? with his goofy American accent. It didn't matter where we were. He made the mistake of doing it once in a hotel in Italy and quickly realized if he answered in that manner they would respond in Italian. He was one of those people that loved the language but just never quite got it. He studied some Italian while I was living in Italy but the second he was around it he shut off his ears. After 10 years of visits, he still could never pronounce the name of the city where I lived.

It is interesting how different each person's mind works. He was a methodical thinker being an engineer turned architect. When there are acceptions to grammar rules or idiomatic phrases he just didn't get it. I noticed this a lot teaching at UW. I learned Italian through immersion so sometimes I have that motherly response of: That's just how it is. Maybe it's the artist in me. I can deal with not everything following the rules and go with the flow. I have one student in my current 101 class who is just not getting it. He is waiting for that formula to allow everything to make sense or that magical lightbulb moment to occur rather than make it happen. You have to put in extra effort to make it happen. Luckily he approached me about this and we had a wonderful chat about the different study tactics and methods he can try, so we'll see how he feels at the end of the quarter. Wow. I didn't think that little memory would stir up so much thought. I have struggled a lot with those surrounding me who think way too big picture, and never make anything happen. There are so many initiatives that I have spent hours of energy and creative problem solving to start, but they fall to the wayside because the big thinkers don't come back to help with implementation. A lolely admin really has no leverage to start new policies in a large company. They live in the clowds without any feasible timeline or process to get to their goals. With this mentality comes a lot of complaining and whining over current policies or personal states of mind. Unfortunately, in my current work environment I am doing the same. I complain but have no capacity to really take action. I'm ready for my little Oregon expedition this week to clear my head a bit and to reflect on what I need to and should do. Ironically this post is coming full circle. The conclusion is that I need to take action. The literal translation of the word pronto? is ready?.

Neutralizing frustration

Today’s horoscope:
You may be ready to add more meaning to your life as mundane events at work require an increasing amount of your attention. Your workmates may not even realize how detached you feel when performing your tasks, and it's probably better to leave them out of your current dilemma. But this is not about escaping from your daily routine; it's about developing a more spiritual approach to what you must do.

Sometimes I am surprised by how on the money my horoscope is. So what have I been thinking about? Well, this emotional roller coaster started when one of my close team members was let go from the company. It was part of the 3rd round of layoffs, we are now up to 5. Only weeks before, our boss told us we were safe and just a few days later she was let go and our workloads increased. I have been told I am safe, but the reality is, no one is. This happened right around the time I started seeing someone who was also discontent in his job. He however, has a distinct business vision and is immensely passionate about it. That is what I want! I want to be incredibly passionate about something, I want to look forward to working each day. This led to the question of, what am I passionate about? At the time I was enrolled in a course at UW and was not doing well in the class, in reality, I just wasn't doing the class. I was getting stressed about the continuing education that I signed up for within urban planning. I no longer had that insatiable curiosity and drive to learn about the field I am in. I am not used to being unenthusiastic about learning. So I sat down with my boss for one of our heart-to-hearts. The result of the conversation was the postponement of all continuing education. (It just so happened that later that afternoon I received news that the program I applied for at UW was cut from the 2009-2011 budget. No possibility of regret is fabulous). He told me a story about a former assistant of his. He said that she was an amazing woman and a great worker, but her heart wasn’t there, so he fired her. It was the best thing that happened to her. She is now a successful dentist and loves her job. When I reflect on my time at the company I have come to realize that my heart is not here. I fell in love with what urban planning is and what it does for communities and its incredible global impact, but I could never quite find my place in the field. I admire what so many of my coworkers have accomplished around the world and what they are doing now. They are why I have stayed, but after 18 months I have not found my niche.

So what’s my plan? I am not sure. If I didn’t have an amazing puppy to love and hefty mortgage to pay who knows where I’d be. Unfortunately I am an adult, so I need to pay the bills. Here is a list of professional ideas: wellness coaching, Pilates instruction, Italian language teaching, physical therapy assistant, personal training and animal assisted therapy. When taking care of my father I couldn’t handle the stress of an irregular work schedule. Now I crave it. I would love to teach Italian and Pilates simultaneously while pursuing one of the other wellness oriented professions I listed. I have always loved helping others maintain or discover a healthy lifestyle.

Teaching has always been a form of therapy to me. I get to be the center of attention and talk in a beautiful language about what I want. when I want. Selfish, I know. But really, its great. I also laugh and joke...and sometimes my students do the same. When my father was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2006 I was a wreck. Teaching each day became my outlet. Once I stepped into the classroom my mind was clear and my focus fell away from my thoughts and onto my students.

In an odd way, Pilates has always been there when I needed help. Sounds like I’ve had a love affair with the exercise, but it is true. After a rough break up I started going to Pilates regularly and became friends with my instructors and the regular students. I was unemployed, so it was a needed that social outlet. I then started volunteering at the studio. As you know, I hate being bored, so I started volunteering more and more and eventually the owner offered me a paid position. It gave me a challenge, something to do when I was going through the turmoil of job hunting and newfound singletude. Since then Pilates is the activity I look forward to in my week. I have built relationships with instructors and when I say: I am upset, kick my butt please. They do. When I am feeling strong they challenge me. When I need to rehabilitate an injured body, my instructors help realign my body.

I have seen the amazing changes in my body and mind from Pilates and would love to share those same gifts to others every day. The only downfall to this decision is that, like language teaching, it is not a stable career. Your income can vary week to week, your clients will continually change, you may be bouncing from studio to studio but that’s okay. If the mortgage is paid, and Lola and I are happy and healthy I will never regret this decision. Know any single rich old men? ;)

Lunar eclipse

Yoga is that one constant in my life that I can count on to open up new feelings and experiences each time I practice. My favorite instructor is amazing at following the lunar cycle and how these natural phenomena affect our daily lives. Tomorrow is the third of four eclipses in 2009. When there is a significant lunar change approaching or occurring she begins class by reflecting on that change and how it manifests in our lives. Today's class focused on grounding the body and focusing thoughts and feelings inward through centralizing movements. This means that from a Uttanasana (forward fold) you keep palms together in prayer while rising to Urdhva Hastasana rather than floating hands out to the sides and up. She asked us to reflect on something that occurred approximately 8 months ago. We were also asked to reflect on something that happened in our lives last week that a recurrence of a previous event, one that we could believe was happening. For the past month I have been focusing my energy on an event that happened 8 months ago and unable to understand why I have held this grudge for so long. The week my father passed away (December 26, 2008) we had a snow storm in Seattle that pretty much immobilized everyone in-city. Less that half of my office went to work the two weeks before the holiday break. In those two weeks I was spending most of my time outside of work with my new puppy at my father's side. His brain was working against him and his body quickly followed. I spend hours on the phone with hospice workers and nurses. My evenings entailed trying to help him eat and keep him as mobile and independent as possible. The week of Christmas I knew in my heart we were close, but this was never something I could bare to verbalize. Each of the three work days of that week I called in after spending hours waiting for already jam-packed buses. I was forced to come in all snow-storm days. On Christmas Eve I called in saying I needed to spend time with my father and could not afford to wait at the bus-stop for another full-bus to pass me by (this was after waiting for 1.5 hours). The response of my boss was: Try again, you have to come in today. All I did when in the empty office was sit on the phone crying while my father was transferred to an in-patient hospice facility in Kirkland. I didn't get to see my father in a conscious state before he died.

Had my boss been considerate following this event I may have been able to move past it. However, seeing her treat others in the same way when they are going through sickness or times of difficulty I have lost all respect for her. In theory she says she will accommodate and help us when in need, but when that time comes she freaks out and makes us feel horrible for having unforeseen circumstances keep us out of the office. This is an atmosphere that I can no longer function in. Now we come to the second comment from my yoga instructor. Last week my company put 20 people on part-time or furlough status. In the week leading up to this change my boss gave me the silent treatment. She literally stopped talking to me. She invited me to a meeting with the COO and another admin. When I asked the subject of the meeting she did not respond. Not only that, but this meeting was postponed 2 times, making my coworker and I stew around conjecturing all sorts of ideas for 2 weeks. When the meeting finally occurred it lasted 10 minutes. We were told that we had to go back to doing basic office administration, meaning that emptying the dishwasher is higher priority than editing a proposal that is going out of the office in an hour. For me this was a slap in the face. The title of my position on my contract is Project Assistant, not office maid. When seeing the lack of expression in our faces their response was: We all just need to chip in for now. Wait, lets count, this is the 5th time in 18 months I have been in a meeting with my boss and the COO where the same statement was said. This shows the utter lack of respect that the company has for me and my future. I have stayed at the company because I adore the person who hired me. He has been an amazing mentor both professionally and personally. Unfortunately, he is not the one who has authority over my daily schedule.

I need a change, and it looks as if the moon has confirmed this change. My biggest challenge is to stop being so cranky and snoody at work. I need channel that negative energy into finding and taking new opportunities that will allow me to leave this degrading job. I have ideas...but those will come in a later post. I needed to free my mind. :)