Confidence.

It's about deciding to do something way out of your comfort zone and sticking to your decision. Yesterday I let my friend and her unsuspecting house guest (that I had just met that morning) paint my naked body. Then I biked around city streets with other fellow nakedly painted people. :)

Break

I have taken a break from blogging as it seems that all I want to write about is depressing. Writing out my frustrations tends to be therapeutic, but even I am getting annoyed with the amount of negativity that I exude right now.

At the same time it seems impossible to catch a break. It's as if someone whacks me in the face just when I find successes in my life. I had a long day. I was away from home from 8:30am-9:30pm. The man I am living with was home on and off throughout the day. At 3:30pm he came home to find that Lola had torn apart one side of the couch. Seriously?! Not only am I in debt because of my home fiasco but now I have to buy my friend a new couch because of it! Had I been living in Fremont I would have been able to come home in between appointments and let Lola out and give her attention so that her boredom wouldn't lead her to furniture destruction. Then yesterday, I came home late and went upstairs to see if Lola had been fed dinner yet. My friend just looked at me and said "Lola, well..." and I knew she had done something mischievous. Somehow she was inside when he left the house for only 2 hours and came home to find Lola with her head buried in his dog's food bag. Her belly wasn't uncomfortably protruding but it was definitely bigger than normal. All of this could be avoided with regular stimulation and exercise which becomes impossible when my life takes place 5 miles from where Lola and I currently live. In addition, she has been coughing a lot more the past week. What that means...well...so far none of the five vets we have seen can tell us.

It feels like I have turned numb. When more crappy things happen it doesn't seem to phase me. It is just the way of my life. I never used to be like this. I was always the optimistic one. I WANT to be that person again. I want to be happy.

Lost refugee ...

Today's horoscope: You may have lost control of your everyday activities when Mercury retrograded through your 3rd House of Immediate Environment for the past few weeks. However, you need to regain any authority that you lost now that it's again turning direct. You might feel as if you should do something drastic to handle everything today, but you would be much wiser to move slowly and gently. You're not in as much of a hurry as you think. Okay, so the beginning is true but I disagree with the statement to move slowly. I don't have control over my life right now. Ok, yes, there are things that I do have control over, but I have a hard time allowing myself to focus on the controllable. I just feel that I can never get ahead. Once I think something is going well a surprise is lurking to remove that happiness from me. Yes, I know I am being very evasive so I'll try to specify a bit...

A friend of mine said to me today: you are basically a refugee. I hadn't thought about it that way. I guess it is true. I own a home that I pay a horrendous mortgage on every month, but I cannot live in my home and this is completely out of my control. I am living with a family which has been fabulous. They are so generous and patient. But it is tough for me. I feel like I am encroaching on their space and adding more stress into their lives. In turn, this stresses me out. I have been working so hard to live around them as to not distrupt their routine, that I have been neglecting to take care of myself. Yet I just feel useless. I have worked hard to make my presence positive but it seems every extra effort I make creates additional stress.

I went hiking on Monday with my dear friend Kiah. I thoroughly enjoy our hiking explorations and the chats that ensue in the wilderness. It was breazy, not too hot and not too cold. There was a chance of rain, but all that we experienced was a wee drizzle. We met at the Trailhead for Bridal Veil Falls/Lake Serene. I took my host family's dog (a gorgeous Swiss Mountain Dog) as well little Lola Mango (yes, Lola now has a middle name). It is hard not to get lost in conversation and take for granted the incredible beauty of the northwest. Often we would pause eachother to stop and look at a majestic view or a crazy root system of a tree. The hike was pretty challenging. I do not believe it is as kid friendly as advertised. The trail was often made of uneven rocks, many of which were unstable. Good thing Kiah and I have killer calves and strong ankles. Though I must say, my calves reminded me of their presence today. Our first stop was Bridal Veil Falls. Phenomenal. One of those natural beauties that is difficult to express in words without experiencing it completely. The overwhelming sound and smell of the falls bombards you before you get to see the beauty. After taking in the roaring water and giving the pups a well deserved snack we trucked along to the Lake. This lake was named correctly. The lake was so calm that it looked as if you could just walk right into the mirror image of the snowy mountains surrounding reflected in the serene water. We continued on and followed the signs to Lunch Rock. Yup a ginormous smooth rock that lets you look onto the lake and watch the avalanches fall down the mountains nearby. I am so greatful I could experience this hidden jewel. After we paused long enough to lose sensation in our fingers it was time to head back to our cars.

We were having a lovely time until we lost site of Lola. She often runs ahead and when she is out of my site I call her and she returns immediately. This time it didn't work. I was terrified. We knew she was ahead of us but we circled back just to check to see if she had falled or been attacked or one of the other millions of horrifying possibilities that were running through my head. We went forward more, then back, then forward again and then back and decided we'd just keep going hoping she would be found. After what was probably a terrifying 30-45 minutes a woman with two dogs approached. She asked if we own a black lab with a blue pack on. Lola was super friendly and said hello but would not walk with the woman, instead she was intent on heading to the car park. This was a huge relief. We stopped checking every bush and upped our pace to reunite ourselves with my lost puppy. Sure enough, she was sleeping in the parking lot. Animals are amazing creatures. They are loyal and head back to their home base. An adorable older couple was sitting in their van when we arrived. They said they'd been there for a little over 20 minutes. When they arrived Lola was laying in the parking lot, came over to say hello, and then went back to lay near the car. Animals are incredibly intelligent. I can only imagine what was going through her head. I mean, I can't even think about what I would do if I got lost in the middle of the woods.

After a successful if not emotionally tiring hike I headed back to Seattle. I knew that the smelly and muddy dogs may not be what my host family would appreciate in a nice clean home so I drove straight to a dog wash shop. I got there 15 minutes before closing. The worker was hesitant but let me try my best to wash both dogs and let her clip there nails before closing time. Yup, uh huh, I showed her. She was so appreciative that I respected her 15 minute time frame that she only charged me for one dog. Both dogs smelled like lavendar and mint when they passed out inside of the entryway. Unfortunately, Lola's muscles were fatigued, but her tummy was troubled. She woke me up in the middle of the night with a very unpleasant surprise. Yuck. Then at 8 I took her our and she did more business. I went back to bed and woke up to more business on the carpet at 9. My idea of having two happy, clean and exercised dogs backfired. Lola's obsession with sticks got the best of her and put a hinder into everyone's day.

Unfortunately her digestive issues aren't the only problems she is facing. She started coughing again Sunday night. She finished her last antibiotics on Thursday. They weren't crazy coughs but enough that I called the vet to schedule an appointment and to make sure that a hike would be safe. They said just to watch her and abort the hike if at any time she started coughing or showing fatigue. The girl happily completed a 7+ mile hike. But as I write her breathing sounds difficult and rapid and her coughs are loud, seemingly productive and painful sounding. This is what she was like in January and all the many times I took her to previous vets. I don't know what to do anymore. We don't have a home for her to be sick in. I am sleeping on the couch tonight to not scare my host family. Her coughs are violent enough to wake those in neighboring rooms. She can't continue to suffer like this. She isn't even 2! I just wonder how the stress of our current nomadic life is impacting her health.

A dear friend is and will be missed.

Life isn't fair. I know that. It hurts each time I am confronted with that reality. This afternoon I received a delightful adjustment, had a theraputic chat and shared a hug with my chiropractor. I was invigorated. I looked at my phone to find a voicemail from a neighbor asking me to call her. I immediately thought it might be an issue regarding my unit. Unfortunately it was not.

Her boyfriend, my dear friend and neighbor Tom, was killed Tuesday night. I tremble writing this. He was dog-sitting in Del Mar. He took the dog for a walk and was hit by a train. It is impossible to rationalize. He most likely felt he had cleared the tracks but did not take into account the 4 foot overhang that a train has past the tracks. The dog was fine. CPR was performed on him immediately but he died at the scene.

Tom was an amazing man. He was my neighbor and friend. I looked up to him. He was one of those people you looked forward to seeing on the streets and didn't mind spending 30 minutes out of your busy schedule to chat with. He made friends with everyone he met. He took care of everyone's pets when they were out of town. He took care of my dear Lola when I was away and when I worked late. He had a key to my home and I felt comfortable sending him in not only to care for my dog but to borrow random things when I wasn't home. He knew everyone. You couldn't have a conversation on the street with him without 2 or 3 people stopping to say hello. He never forgot a name. He built community. He loved connecting people. He was goofy, opinionated and fun. He went the extra mile to help wherever he could. He recently became my condo's landscaper. He had not yet been paid. He lived in the complex and did the work to help out. He wanted to make our home beautiful. He loved animals. He knew all of the neighborhood dogs by name. He had a special bond with animals and went out of his way to care for them. He died doing what he loved: taking care of a beautiful and kind dog. Knowing that his friends trusted him and asked him to fly to California repeatedly to care for their dog only shows how trusting and compassionate he was. I met him through Lola. Like many, he saw the bity bundle in my arms and came over to say hello. I am a first time pet owner and he was always there to talk with me about questions and concerns. When Lola heard Tom's voice from across the street she would run to see him. Often times, if we were in safe distance I would have to let the leash go since she would pull so hard to see him. She loved him and he always snuck a kiss from her when we'd walk by. He adored his girlfriend. He talked about how amazing she is any chance he could. He was happy. He enjoyed life. He enjoyed his surroundings and did what he could to make them better for those around him. I still can't believe he is gone.

Life's challanges

Tragedy does build community. Okay, so what is going on in my home isn't a tragedy but it is tough. As much as it sucks that my bedroom is taped off only allowing a tube to reach the gynormous dehumidifier running 24 hours per day in my kitchen. Men in my home in hazmat suits and masks tossing rotten wood out of my window. So here's the deal. The wall was completely saturated as was the floor. They opened the wall, hoping to find some salvagable materials. Nope. The term the water damage restoration guy said wascompost. My walls were compost. He even said there was ivy growing into the walls. Basically I have a forest with a marsh in my bedroom. The cause? At first it was thought to be a pipe that was clogged. That was the case, but it appears to be more than that considering the entire wall was removed. It is more of a weather-proofing issue that is most likely a case of negligence on the part of the developer.

It just seems like things tend to be never-ending. First I lose my job. Then my dog is in the ER. Then mold comes up through the floor-boards and I am stuck on my living room floor for 3 weeks. Now my floors and wall have been ripped out and I still have no idea how this will be paid for and if this will happen again. But on the other hand, I feel like people care. My neighbors come in to check on me and how things are going. I had coffee with a friend who I hadn't seen in over a year to talk about my problems and options. My friends are letting me stay in their home until this all ends. I feel like a lot of people care and they are all trying to help me through this challenge. I love my home and I love my neighborhood but I will never feel comfortable in my own home. I wish there was a way for me to leave, to get out of the purchase. Had I known these problems had occured in the past I would not have been so excited about the unit. One of my friends asked: After all is said and done, what will make you feel whole again? Truthfully I don't think that I could live in this home and feel whole. I will always know that this is where my puppy suffered 9 long months of pneumonia. Where my exhaustion and lethargy ultimately led to my termination from a job. How can I return to my bedroom and relax when I know that it has harmed me and may do so for years. I want to sell and start over. But how?

Competition.

When did we come to be a culture that is always in competition to be the worst off? Why is it always better if we slept the least or we have the highest bills. Shouldn't we celebrate successes and help each other gain pleasure in our lives so that we no longer compete for the worst off? This frustration stems from a conversation with some family friends. The bulk of the four hour conversation was complaining about money and how bad everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is. I know all about their financial advisor, I even know his name, but I didn't really get to hear about what they are doing and what brings them joy. They started talking about being excited for the next football season... and then started complaining about the changes in parking and yada yada yada. I haven't seen them since my father's funeral over a year ago and all I know about is their financial insecurity. When did depression become a competition?

Today, I had a delightful day with a great friend and two frisky four legged friends. Just take a lesson from them. They were so excited to be out in the mountains, exploring trails, trees and mud. My friend and I don't have the most spectacular things going on in our lives, but we didn't compare our woes. We touched on them, listened to each other, but in no way tried to compare who is worse off. Who cares?! We were enjoying each other's company and the spectacular surroundings that were challenging our bodies. I mean, we are the guide to our own woes and happiness so complaining about how bad we have it is just an insult to ourselves. Instead, we took the positive route and celebrated where we are and what we have.

I'm back.

Today was filled with a delightful run, empowering yoga, a student's breakthrough, errands completed and flowers. I bought one cheap bouquet and trickled it around the house filling my home with beautiful fragrances and vibrant color.

After 2 months of doldrums and depression I think I am on the upswing. Last Wednesday I had a breakthrough. It was a delightful and beautiful day. I didn't have any clients. I slept in, of course, and milled around the house a bit. I decided to take Lola for a little stroll around the neighborhood when a dear friend called. Her and her beautiful son were at a bakery nearby so the pooch and I went to see them. It is hard to explain, but the combination of sun, a silly two-year old and an uplifting chat helped me keep going that day. When I got home I didn't waste my time in front of the computer or watch TV, I was productive! Since then, things have been great.

I have decided to begin freelance translation to supplement teaching. I am still trying to figure out how to actually go about creating my own business, but I am ready. It is perfect for me. I love reading and communicating. It is an awesome way to share my talents and learn about a variety of subjects. Last night I made myself an office. Through creative organization, I reorganized my living room so that there is a section dedicated only to work or study. I am organizing files, learning translation software, researching teaching tools... I am doing well. My next steps are to create a website. I want to create a website that will advertise Italian teaching and translation, with the hopes of adding Pilates instruction and doula/lactation consultation in the future. I am excited. I like being home. I don't miss showering in a hurry and rushing off to a job where I am not intellectually challenged or confronted with fake pleasantries. That isn't to say that I didn't have real relationships. I think I did. I still maintain contact with some coworkers. It is sad that I have lost contact with others I thought were close. But that's life. Crisis reveals a friendship's true colors.

I have come to terms with the fact that my real-estate investment is really a curse. Last week I found mold in my bedroom. Almost 1/3 of the floor is saturated and the walls are saturated 2ft from the floor. It sucks, but it also explains a lot. Not only have I been experiencing the symptoms of hypothyroidism, but also mold inhalation. After discussing the excruciating headaches and abnormal fatigue I have been experiencing in the past month, my doctor is starting to think the leak that caused the current mold/saturation problem has existed for quite some time. In can also be contributing Lola's inability to get over 9 months of pneumonia! Insurance sucks. They act like mold is a big deal and needs to be taken care of immediately, but then they wait a week to actually send an adjustor out to take a preliminary look at the damage. That is the first freakin step! That should have happened last Thursday. Oh well. We'll see. It looks like I'll need to hire 3 different contractors. The first to fix the outside leak. The second to dry out the walls and floors. The third to put in new walls and flooring.

Since Thursday the bedroom has been closed and I have set up a bed in the living room. I have already noticed a significant difference! My headaches aren't as piercing and I have a bit more energy. (I also found out my TSH levels haven't changed much since diagnosis. We changed the dose and added a few adrenal supports to my diet. That should also change my energy levels). I can run again!! Lola and I ran Greenlake and then I went to my favorite yoga class. I was able to run! We ran the entire lake. Just one week ago I couldn't run a mile. The fatigue (most likely mold induced) was overwhelming. I would be breathing hard and get hot quickly. I run on cold, so it was weird. I was able to zone into yoga, not just passively do the poses. It was a breakthrough! Just 5 days of not sleeping in a mold infested room. Crazy huh?

Full moon

What effect does a full moon have on you? I am one of those people who believes in the connection we have to the cycle of the earth. Call me superstitious, but think about it. We follow nature. We get out and about in the summer months when the earth gives us gorgeous weather to frolic and fresh light foods to eat. In the winter we reground

ourselves inside, comforting ourselves with hearty foods to protect us from the cold. Why wouldn't the moon have the same effect as the sun. We organize our daily routines around the sun. So it isn't hard to believe that the lunar cycle has some effect on us, however hidden it may be.

I once had a yoga teacher who oriented her classes around the moon cycle. Near a full moon, the class would be dedicated to grounding oneself, as apposed to opening the heart. She said the full moon is a time to re-center ourselves and turn attention inward. There are numerous articles that link the full moon to abnormal behavior such as hyperactivity, depression, and rage leading to murder, betrayal, fraud, etc. Think about the definition of the word lunatic: affected with periodic insanity, dependent on the changes of the moon. In Australia, the term lunatic soup is slang for an alcoholic drink.

Have you ever felt an indescribable difference in mood or physical wellness around the full moon? I did feel a change this cycle. I found it impossible to sleep last night. I have had a constant headache for the past couple of days. I nodded off a bit on the couch with Lola in my lap when the phone rang and I realized it was time to go to bed. When I made my way to bed I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. I couldn't get comfortable or quiet my mind. I can't recall exactly what I was thinking about, but I know that I was thinking about anything and everything going on in my life. I dozed a bit, but recall waking up numerous times, each time unable to roll over and drift off into sleep. After laying awake in bed for hours with my comfy pillows and snoring dog taunting me, I finally got up. I felt like crap, as if I had drank a bottle of wine the night before. I forced myself to enjoy a nice healthy breakfast and headed off to yoga before glueing myself to my computer to job-search. Yoga was a phenomenal choice. I have not been doing yoga consistently in months but the class was quite empowering. It was the first time since summer that I have been able to complete Jenniferlynn's balance sequence. They typically consist of Warrior 3, Tree, Warrior 3, Stork or Eagle followed by one last Warrior 3. Each pose is held for about 30 seconds once you are there and leads right into the other forcing you to stay balanced on one foot the entire time. Without the typical work stress weighing down my thoughts I was able to focus, allowing me body to cooperate and stay strong the entire time.

At my evening Italian class all of my students were dragging. They barely even noticed when my odd ex-boyfriend peaked into my classroom, stuck his tongue out and gave me moose ears. I asked the simplest of questions, yes, in Italian, but super easy and I got saggy stares. Every student stated they were tired, any many noted they hadn't been sleeping well. It was a tough day for spontaneous thinking. I got them there, but it took a bit of finesse.

When I got home, a few surprises were waiting for me. I received a check for puppy care during my time in DC!!!! Yay! I also received my personnel file from my previous company, most all of it, minus a few items. Luckily, I was approved for unemployment yesterday so having my annual reviews is not necessary, but she did leave this year's out. That is the only thing I really needed or specifically stated in my request. She had everything else in there, insurance documentation, offer letter, and right on top was an email sent to Principals letting them know I was being fired in two days... Wow. Reading the email explaining why I was being fired was quite off the mark. Simple communication would have shown that almost all of their statements were false. Except for the fact that I was unenthusiastic about my job. When I was encouraged to take on new tasks and explore my own direction I loved the company, but then when I was told my priorities had become cleaning the kitchens, covering reception and backing up other absent employees my enthusiasm drifted. It's impossible to create my own job when I am constantly doing others'jobs. Anyhoo. That's over. If they are lying to their higher-ups about what goes on with the lower downs, or are unable to communicate with the lower downs to actually realize what they are doing for the company, that is something they will need to work through on their own.

Now that I am free of their stressful silent treatments, my mind is free to concentrate on more fulfilling things. Like: yoga balance sequences, library books, Lola and cooking. Leading up to the full moon I was anxious, tired and a bit depressed but the day of didn't make me feel loopy or out of it as usual. Other than the slow headachy start, it was a great day. Empowering yoga, relaxing cuddle time with the pooch, creative home cooking and a random puppy boxing match to end the evening.

What lunacy did the full moon bring you?

Get moving!!!

It is time for me to get off my buns and stop moping. All I do is sit in front of a computer all day hoping to find that hidden gem of a job opportunity hiding in the lairs of the internet. Wrong. It ain't gonna happen that way. Plus, this computer habit has added some extra weight to my waistline with all of this sitting and worrying. I was so good initially, I painted my house, organized and caught up on a bunch of errands. Then all of a sudden the reality of no income set in and depression and my productivity went to a stand still. My cousin made a very good point. If I keep at this, not only will I regret not taking advantage of this time off, but I'll have to buy new clothes to enclose my unemployment gut. I don't have the income to buy new clothes so it's time to get off my butt, limit my daily computer time and enjoy the sunny Seattle winter! I started running again. It has only been since December, but boy are my legs overwhelmed with this new running habit. I made a commitment to Run for Water in April and my legs better help me keep that commitment. So far I have kept to the training schedule and exceeded it when it comes to cross training. Yesterday I went to my first yoga class in months. It felt so great and amazing. I love the quaint studio atmosphere. There were only 5 of us, so we lined our mats in a circle to create rays of sunshine. I know it sounds hippy and silly, but it was so uplifting. The teacher has one of those amazingly soothing voices and makes you feel calm even when she is making you hold a plank 2 inches from the ground for almost 30 seconds! My shoulders and back were definitely talking to me when I woke up. Yay! Now I've got to keep it up in order to get rid of these nasty unemployment pounds!!

Cuddle Time.

This is what I crave. Touch is has always been a tricky part of my life. It was absent for most of my childhood and the majority of my adult life. I remember hugging and kissing my parents good night when I was very small. Then at a certain point that stopped. There was no hugging or kissing. My aunts and uncles are occasional huggers, it is always difficult to read if and when it is appropriate. In fact, after a family dinner, the first in years, I went around the room hugging each uncle and cousin while saying good-bye. One cousin actually stepped back and wouldn't hug me. It was surprising and almost offensive, but everyone has their bubble I guess.

Maybe that is why, when someone touches me in any way I feel loved. Since touch is not a constant part of my life, I get so much out of such small amounts of touch. Touch is another language, it can show compassion, kindness, camaraderie, sympathy, adoration, appreciation and passion. That simple pat on the shoulder that accompanies a good joke or the light touch on the hand with sympathy. Even the simple handshake. You can understand so much about someone from how they physically reach out to each other.

There is a lot of touch in my Pilates classes. Not wierd touch, but helpful touch. My instructors grab or touch muscles they want me to turn on, or off, or they guide their hand down the muscle path that should be used in a given exercise. They also assist in stretch or massage muscles that have worked. They nurture. You work with the body that each person has, their mental and physical abilities in order to rehabilitate and strengthen them.

Touch rejuvenates. Think about how you feel after a big bear hug or a passionate kiss. If there is anything that I feel I am missing in my life right now, it is touch. There is much more I'd like out of a romantic partner, but right now, what I want most is touch. Not kinky sex touch, but comfort, compassion, warmth, and most of all: presence. I miss having someone hold me. Someone to come up behind me and kiss me on the neck to say hello. Someone to run their fingers through my hair. Someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch a movie. Someone to hold my hand while walking my dog. There is so much communication in physical touch that, as far as I know, is irreplaceable.

Longing and belonging.

Yogi tea is always thought provoking and warms my belly at the same time. The art of longing and the art of belonging must be experienced in life. I've got the art of longing down pat. It's the belonging part that I find tricky. I often feel I belong, whether it is with social networks, work relationships, or family. Then something challenges those relationships, they soon dissolve or go into hiding and I am alone again. My job right now it to figure out what interests belong to me so that I can experience both longing and belonging in my life.

Lost.

Just when I think things are moving in the direction obstacles automatically get thrown in my face. I feel like I am a good person, but I don't feel like I have done any good lately. I spent a year taking care of my dying father. I sacrificed many aspects of my personal life to do this and I don't regret it. I adopted a dog from a rescue shelter to be a therapy dog for my father and ultimately a therapy dog that would visit hospice centers, nursing homes and elementary schools. I am in a Pilates teacher training to help teach people how to live and function without pain and feel more in tune with their bodies. I have tried to focus all of my career pursuits on doing good for others and I just want to feel that in my life. I want to feel cared for and appreciated. I want to feel like everything will be okay like everyone says, but at the end of the day I am alone. Right now, in this moment, I have no freakin clue what I am doing and what to do next.

I came home from a nice day. I taught one student and then made a nice lunch. After a bit of correspondence and telephone inquiries Lola and I went for a sunny walk in Ballard. During my walk I got an unexpected call. A caterer I worked with frequently at my old job called to ask why I wouldn't be the one to great her at 7am next week. I told her the news and she too was shocked. She enjoyed the professional relationship we created and wants to keep in touch. Someone liked me and thought I worked hard! I went to the gym and had a good cardio workout. I felt great. Probably one of my best days since getting axed. Until I came home.

I received a letter from the Employment Security Department that was filled out by CollinsWoerman. It says that I was fired because I did not meet standards and I had poor work habits. Yet, no one ever told me this, nor was I ever given a written warning of my poor work. So, it looks like I will be called into an interview soon. Which I really hope is the case. It seems easier than the 7 forms I have currently filled out and sent since my initial application. In addition, the form the company sent has the incorrect separation date. According to my HR friend, there is no reason my application should be denied and I can easily request the proper information to support this. Also, the fact that my previous employer says that I moved on rather than she is no longer with the company, is contrary to what they say on the form. I just want it to be over. After reading this letter I checked my voicemail to find a message from my car insurance company. It looks like my story lines up with the accident. Apparently I backed into a Mercedes. I don't recall this occurring, but there is an eye witness who gave a statement that corresponds with my activity of the evening. I don't hit cars. In fact, I only park in larger parallel parking spots to avoid the tap on the incline. I parked, ran into my house to change and get my dog and left again. I am starting to hate my home. I can't afford it and it puts me at risk for accidents. I put in an application for food stamps. In doing so I realized that I do not have enough money in my bank account to pay my expenses for the month.

Valentine's Day

The good thing about being single on Valentine's day is that there is no agenda. I don't have to clean up, dress nicely or put make-up on. My no shower Sunday rule did not have to be broken. Of course I'd love to have someone to show love for me on Valentine's day. Someone to creatively come up with a romantic adventure for the day. Instead, I get to be selfish. I get to take the day for myself and spend time with fabulously independent girlfriends. Last night a good friend and I went to a Burlesque show where the owner of my Pilates studio was the star of the Heavenly Spies. Its kinda interesting seeing your teacher in pasties. :) It was a fabulous show and one of those experiences that is best shared with girlfriends. Our waiter was young and flirtily fun. We ate good food, drank some tasty beverages, listened to great live music while watching women perform in scantily clad attire. It was wonderful. And not only that, but on our way to the bus it began pouring rain. Rather than this hindering our fun, we just draped scarves over our heads and ran through downtown. It actually kind of added to the evening. Maybe for some it was a romantic atmosphere, but for us it was almost liberating to skip around in fancy dresses and high heals in the rain with no worry of what we'd look like later. After our return to my neighborhood we walked around looking for a decent place for drinks while in swanky dinner theatre attire but just didn't have an inkling for any particular locale. Instead, we kicked off our shoes and hung out gabbing on my bed with my puppy. Just an all-around delightful Valentine's eve.

In the spirit of love, I took extra special care of myself on Valentine's Day. I slept in. Spent time with my puppy. Brainstormed potential job connections. Taught a friend Pilates. Worked on business flyers. Went to yoga. Grocery shopped. Made a delightfully eclectic dinner and watched a chick flick in the comfort of my pjs. Lola and I went for a wee walk where I got myself a decadent desert and a bag of carrots for the pooch. We returned ho

me for some snacking, yet another chick flick and some quality cuddle time. All in all, this was a great Valentine's. In the past I have always made cards for all of my friends and coworkers coupled with homemade truffles. If I were with someone, I'd spend hours making a card and devising the perfect gift. I miss that, but I am glad that this year it was all about me. Sometimes I get so caught up in making sure others feel love that I forget to love myself. Yes cliche, but seriously, sometimes selfishness is needed.

I am off to bed with yet another Yogi tea inspirational message: Don't sleep counting sheep. Count blessings, then sleep.

If I post it I have to do it.

I have let myself be in a funk that I told myself I would not fall into. Yes, certain things in my life suck right now and some are incredibly stressful and out of my control. Thing is, I have been forgetting about those things that are in MY control. There are so many things I dreamed about doing when I was working long hours. I need to get off my ass and stop depression eating/drinking. Now I can do them and need to do them. So here goes, here are my preliminary goals.

1. Fix up my bike and start riding to the gym.
2. Go to the gym! It is so lovely when I get there and I feel fabulous after. Now I don't have to go during rush hour. I really have NO excuse.
3. Paint my kitchen. It is the last room left. :)
4. Paint my door. I feel a little wall art is in order since I have left over paint and all.
5. Install bike hooks. I figure, if my bike is always in view, I will be more tempted to use it!
6. Try a new recipe each week.
7. Stretch! 15 minutes each night before bed. I can't teach Pilates well with tight hammies.
8. Start making Lola's food at home.
9. Go to the Bodies exhibit.
10. Observe 1 Pilates classes each week.
11. Attend 2 Pilates classes each week.
12. Study study study anatomy for at least 30 minutes per day. Maybe on the elliptical.
13. Read for one-hour a day. (Hulu keeps on distracting me from the simple joy of reading).
14. Marry a millionaire who likes paying vet bills. ;)

Bummed.

Depression is a sneaky fellow. Just when you think you've got it together, that things are going well, it sneaks up behind you. In my case, it tends to come around after a productive activity: I come home to an empty house where my phone doesn't ring, where there are no visitors, where I am alone. All of that productivity ends up being counteracted by sulking.

It just doesn't feel right. The only words said to me were "We're letting you go. We need someone here full-time and last Friday an incident occurred. We have paid you for this Friday. (It was Thursday, end of day). I need your key-card now. I'm sorry this didn't work out." Obviously I could have asked for more clarification, but I was in shock. I wasn't happy in my job so I just accepted the information and quickly cleared out my desk before I burst into tears. Even so, I deserved more than the words above for 2 years of hard work. I know that it is all business to them but it makes me wonder. What are the real reasons? If it was just because I asked to leave at 2:30pm every other Friday, why couldn't a conversation have occurred? Why, when I asked for help 2 weeks prior was my request ignored? When I was overwhelmed absolutely no recognition or accommodation was made. Why was everyone else having annual reviews and no one cared to tell me: we aren't reviewing you because you will be gone at the end of the week. I don't even get feedback on my last year of employment. Yes, it doesn't mean anything to them since I would not be working with them in the future, but it would have been nice. Was I let-go because I was a horrible worker? Right now, that is what it feels like. I know that I was good at what I did, but unfortunately my supervisors were rarely involved in my daily work and often had no idea what kept me busy for 8-11 hours a day. When I returned to my desk after the above 5 sentences were said to me by the COO (neither of my supervisors were present) I was locked out of my computer. Complete lack of trust. Others have been laid off, but they got time to get their things in order and pass them on. I got nothing. If I wanted to steal information or sabotage something I had complete ability to do so. I had a folder that contained passwords to computers and voicemail for both owners of the company, the executive assistant, the human resource manager, a principal and two associates. I could have remoted into any of those computers from home. But I deleted the remote access programs the instant I got home. I also had access to 2 company credit cards. Come on, that is more useful than access to email. Within 5 minutes of being told I was no longer an employee I gave that folder to the COO. He looked at me with a shocked expression. What do people really think of me? Why is it such a surprise that I would make sure that information made it into trusting hands? Why was it commendable that I wrote emails to everyone I was doing work for to tell them where I left off, what was left to do and any action items they now needed to complete? I am human. I cared about those I spent 40+ hours with each week for the past 2 years. I was comfortable in my job, but obviously management was uncomfortable with me.

I know it is just business but it scares me that this decision was made days or even weeks before I was handed my check. They had already posted an ad, interviewed and hired someone before informing me I was terminated. All of the pieces keep coming together. When I was in DC, the charrette I organized went amazingly, flawlessly in fact. At the end of the day my coworker was slow to say good-bye. He said his normal thank-you, but a little more repeatedly than normal and hugged me. He had never done so before but I didn't think anything of it. I like hugs and figured the informal nature of an out of office charrette allowed that bond to happen. Then, my supervisor/boss walked me back to my hotel. At the end of our walk he gave me this awkward handshake. Another new gesture. A little formal, but I was tired, I didn't analyze it. I just thought that since we hadn't worked closely over the past year that we didn't have the hug-bond anymore. Then, when I saw the same coworker in the office 2 days later he seemed surprised to see me. He thought I wouldn't be in the office for another day. Then, he discussed with me in detail the framework for an interesting long-term project I was undertaking. In my head I thought, Finally, a project I am interested in and one I will excel in that will demonstrate why he hired me. Nope, shot down again. Just sucks that he was one of the powers-that-be that decided I was no longer a part of his team and got my hopes up.

I just don't get it. I know that there are many other factors that may have influenced their decision. But it feels as if a few people didn't like me so I was ousted. Left broke and scared. Unemployment, if granted, only covers my mortgage and monthly bills. It is not enough for food or medical care. I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroid, but I can't afford to get blood tests done for my follow-up to make sure the current treatment is appropriate. My dog is STILL sick. She wakes up coughing multiple times in the night. The vet wants to do another transtrachial wash which is a $300+ procedure. Then I got a letter in the mail saying I was in an accident. I was not, but insurance agencies can be ruthless. Basically I have to put in the same amount of effort to prove they are lying, that I would had I been in an accident for real. I also have re-opened the mold/leak claim in my home. My dog always coughs in my complex, but not in other people's homes. When I took a nail out of the wall, it was rusted. I also spent $1000+ on accomodations, food and travel for work in DC. I was told all of these expenses would be reimbursed immediately upon my return. I have not seen a dime.

I tried to kick depression in the butt by being positive right out of the gate, but that ain't working. Reality just keeps coming. I definitely have some great things happening in my life. But right now, at the end of the day, this is what takes over my mind and brings out the pessimist in me. I have always prided myself in being optimistic no matter what is thrown my way. I am always able to see the best in things. Yes, I do see the positives in this situation, but unfortunately those negatives listed above are blocking me from getting to the positives parts of the situation. I really hope that I can outsmart Sir Depression before he moves into my life for good.

Change.

It happens quicker than one would expect.

I was "let go" from a company where I worked for 2 years. It really wasn't much of a surprise, but offensive and disrespectful how they arrived at their decision. But that only makes me more certain that this is a good change for me.

Being unemployed has a TON of perks!!! Yeah yeah, it sucks that I don't have a stable income or spending money, but I have time! I have sanity. I do not have unnecessary stress.

• I can sleep! Multiple times a day.
• I get to spend time playing with my fabulous puppy.
• I can start reading again and not feel bad that it isn't work related.
• I get to work out during the day!
  
• I get time to study Pilates, anatomy and physiology.
• I can cook more.
• I get to go to happy hour!
  
• I get to calmly chat with my neighbors rather than always being on the run.
  
• I get to finish painting my house.
• I can catch up on my to-do list.
• I get to spend time with friends I have missed lately due to my prior grandma-like sleeping schedule.
• I save water by not needing to shower regularly.
• I don't have to change out of my yoga pants.

More to come on the adventures of the unemployed!!