Frustration.

I promise: someday I will write about happy lovely things. That is just not the place I find myself right now. I woke up this morning in excruciating pain. I can't move my head backwards or look to the sides. I had some muscle tension yesterday, but nothing that would have caused this. Anyway, when my boss got into work this morning I asked if I could make a quick massage appointment sometime between 8am-9:30am since I have to attentively take notes for 2 hours which will be incredibly difficult given that I have a horrible headache teamed with excruciating neck/back pain that makes my left arm go numb on occasion. She said NO. I am in enough pain that if my colleagues had not been ill this week I would have called in sick. I realize we are short staffed, but some type of accomodation or compassion would be great. So, I am icing my neck and back. However, all I can do is look straight ahead at the computer. I can't look down to edit the document I really need to edit. I can't turn to see who is trying to sneak up behind me. This is going to be a challenging day.

So of course, because I am limited in what I can physically do I am blogging and reading my horoscope: You can feel the tension building at work today, yet you cannot figure out how to resolve it. Oddly, you aren't overly concerned about what may happen because you believe that whatever occurs will be better than being stuck where you are. Your intuition is correct; dynamic change is in the air and you will finally be free to follow your bliss. How does Google know? Well, about the first part. Regarding the latter, I keep on hoping dynamic change will find me...but it never seems to float in my direction. But don't you worry, I am seeking it out myself!

Okay, I hate to end posts so negatively. On a happy note. I made an amazing cranberry-apple-ginger pie last night that I can't wait to try at a social this afternoon. The smell of fresh pie reminds me of my grandma's house in the forest and the stories she always told while making her pies. In addition, I am attending a good old fashion kegger tonight. :) Something about old familiars around the holidays is comforting.

History repeats itself (sappy, girly thoughts - proceed with caution)

I have become victim to another person's experiment. Yes, he really said I didn't intend for you to be an experiment. I realize that any relationship is in essence an experiment and contributes to personal growth and experience. I also realize I go into relationships knowing the potential consequences of incompatibility, but these realities don't make the end any easier. I had been dating someone for a couple of months and on Saturday he told me that he had decided a few days before that we were not going to work out. He experienced no spark. He said he liked me but basically said that dating each other was postponing the inevitable. True, I'd rather not continue dating someone who doesn't see a future with me. But part of me also feels used. He didn't try. I don't know if I believe a spark that says you will be with someone forever. I would like to think that love is a flame that gets stronger and stronger as time goes on. However, given that I have been single for multiple years, I don't have experience with enduring love. I remember the feelings I had the first time I fell in love, the butterflies, the nervousness, the jittery limbs. It was amazing. But, then again, that was a love past. It was a relationship that did not endure, so are those the feelings I should feel again?

Now this is not to say that I was in love with this most recent guy, I think it is impossible to really fall in love after knowing someone for only 2 months. Infatuation can happen in that short amount of time. After getting to know someone that can turn into real love, but it is impossible to learn everything you need to know about someone that you want to spend your life with in such a short amount of time. However, he felt he needed some confirmation of a future. So basically I feel gypped. I don't feel like he even tried to get to know me and I don't feel like I was able to get to know him to know for myself if there could be more. He gave up within the first couple of weeks when lighting bolts didn't start floating around us. He stopped calling. He stopped responding to texts, emails or calls right away. Almost every call or email started out with I'm sorry I didn't call/respond earlier. I saw him once a week, even though he lives a 10 minute walk from me. That time tended to be sleep, which didn't allow for any real communication. On a number of occasions he'd invite me to something and then act as if he never said a thing. One Tuesday he said we'd have a dinner date on Friday and I didn't get a call-back from him until 7pm Friday night when he said his roommate was cooking him dinner and asked what I was up to that night. Well, nothing since I thought I had a date. I felt as if I was imposing. I'd be at his house with roommates and they'd ask if I was going to some event they were all looking forward to. I never knew what to say since he didn't invite me. For example, his roommate asked him if he'd invited me to his birthday and he said not yet, but he never did. He also invited me to go to Leavenworth to cut a Christmas tree...and then he kept talking about it, but completely forgot or purposefully avoided the fact that he invited me.

Snowshoeing was probably the most uncomfortable day of all. I talked about wanting to go snowshoeing for a while and he said he was going the next day. After a while he invited me, however he didn't think of me when making those plans. I was able to get snowshoes last minute and I joined him and his friend. I sat in the back seat with Lola. The ride up was fine, as the person in the back I often didn't hear the conversation, but it didn't matter much since they were talking about mainly inside things. During the entire 4 hour snowshoe expedition he not once touched me, nor did he look at me the way he normally did. It seemed like he was embarrassed of us and didn't want his friend to know. Even during dinner, it was as if I was less than a friend. The car ride home was even more painful. During the ride my friend I had plans with that evening canceled on me. The entire 2 hour ride they talked about their awesome dancing plans and were texting friends encouraging everyone to come out. So I listened to their amazing plans for hours knowing that I was going home to an empty house and a box of Kleenex. This should have been the day I walked away but for some reason I always hope for better and hope there is a reason that I am not treated well. But if I am not on his mind, I am not on his mind.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Why don't I walk away the moment I am in pain? The only 4 relationships I have been in, whether serious or just these 2-3 month flings always end this way. I want to stop moping and learn that if I break-down within the first month it needs to be over. I realize I am unhappy. I wallow about it, cry myself to sleep and wait. I always look for the best in people and hope that I get to experience it. I often confront them about what I don't like, hoping to be treated better. Hoping to get that same excitement back. I have repeatedly been the experiment. I have been the rebound. The girl that satisfies them until they find what they really want. Then they use the feedback I gave them regarding what didn't work with me in order to make it work with someone else. It's never me. I am never the one anyone is willing to work for. This guy said that, maybe if he weren't in this mindset of needing that spark, it could have worked. But since he started it out with a pessimistic mindset there is no going back. Who's to say that is true? After 3 hours of wishy washy conversation, he finally said he didn't have the ability to give me what I need. Translation: you aren't special enough to me to try. I want to be that girl that someone is excited to see, to talk to, to spend time with. A person they are reminded of when they see or experience something I enjoy or have talked about. I want to go on dates. I want to have memories and experiences with someone. I want to be involved with someone who takes conversations and makes them reality.