Frustration.

I promise: someday I will write about happy lovely things. That is just not the place I find myself right now. I woke up this morning in excruciating pain. I can't move my head backwards or look to the sides. I had some muscle tension yesterday, but nothing that would have caused this. Anyway, when my boss got into work this morning I asked if I could make a quick massage appointment sometime between 8am-9:30am since I have to attentively take notes for 2 hours which will be incredibly difficult given that I have a horrible headache teamed with excruciating neck/back pain that makes my left arm go numb on occasion. She said NO. I am in enough pain that if my colleagues had not been ill this week I would have called in sick. I realize we are short staffed, but some type of accomodation or compassion would be great. So, I am icing my neck and back. However, all I can do is look straight ahead at the computer. I can't look down to edit the document I really need to edit. I can't turn to see who is trying to sneak up behind me. This is going to be a challenging day.

So of course, because I am limited in what I can physically do I am blogging and reading my horoscope: You can feel the tension building at work today, yet you cannot figure out how to resolve it. Oddly, you aren't overly concerned about what may happen because you believe that whatever occurs will be better than being stuck where you are. Your intuition is correct; dynamic change is in the air and you will finally be free to follow your bliss. How does Google know? Well, about the first part. Regarding the latter, I keep on hoping dynamic change will find me...but it never seems to float in my direction. But don't you worry, I am seeking it out myself!

Okay, I hate to end posts so negatively. On a happy note. I made an amazing cranberry-apple-ginger pie last night that I can't wait to try at a social this afternoon. The smell of fresh pie reminds me of my grandma's house in the forest and the stories she always told while making her pies. In addition, I am attending a good old fashion kegger tonight. :) Something about old familiars around the holidays is comforting.

History repeats itself (sappy, girly thoughts - proceed with caution)

I have become victim to another person's experiment. Yes, he really said I didn't intend for you to be an experiment. I realize that any relationship is in essence an experiment and contributes to personal growth and experience. I also realize I go into relationships knowing the potential consequences of incompatibility, but these realities don't make the end any easier. I had been dating someone for a couple of months and on Saturday he told me that he had decided a few days before that we were not going to work out. He experienced no spark. He said he liked me but basically said that dating each other was postponing the inevitable. True, I'd rather not continue dating someone who doesn't see a future with me. But part of me also feels used. He didn't try. I don't know if I believe a spark that says you will be with someone forever. I would like to think that love is a flame that gets stronger and stronger as time goes on. However, given that I have been single for multiple years, I don't have experience with enduring love. I remember the feelings I had the first time I fell in love, the butterflies, the nervousness, the jittery limbs. It was amazing. But, then again, that was a love past. It was a relationship that did not endure, so are those the feelings I should feel again?

Now this is not to say that I was in love with this most recent guy, I think it is impossible to really fall in love after knowing someone for only 2 months. Infatuation can happen in that short amount of time. After getting to know someone that can turn into real love, but it is impossible to learn everything you need to know about someone that you want to spend your life with in such a short amount of time. However, he felt he needed some confirmation of a future. So basically I feel gypped. I don't feel like he even tried to get to know me and I don't feel like I was able to get to know him to know for myself if there could be more. He gave up within the first couple of weeks when lighting bolts didn't start floating around us. He stopped calling. He stopped responding to texts, emails or calls right away. Almost every call or email started out with I'm sorry I didn't call/respond earlier. I saw him once a week, even though he lives a 10 minute walk from me. That time tended to be sleep, which didn't allow for any real communication. On a number of occasions he'd invite me to something and then act as if he never said a thing. One Tuesday he said we'd have a dinner date on Friday and I didn't get a call-back from him until 7pm Friday night when he said his roommate was cooking him dinner and asked what I was up to that night. Well, nothing since I thought I had a date. I felt as if I was imposing. I'd be at his house with roommates and they'd ask if I was going to some event they were all looking forward to. I never knew what to say since he didn't invite me. For example, his roommate asked him if he'd invited me to his birthday and he said not yet, but he never did. He also invited me to go to Leavenworth to cut a Christmas tree...and then he kept talking about it, but completely forgot or purposefully avoided the fact that he invited me.

Snowshoeing was probably the most uncomfortable day of all. I talked about wanting to go snowshoeing for a while and he said he was going the next day. After a while he invited me, however he didn't think of me when making those plans. I was able to get snowshoes last minute and I joined him and his friend. I sat in the back seat with Lola. The ride up was fine, as the person in the back I often didn't hear the conversation, but it didn't matter much since they were talking about mainly inside things. During the entire 4 hour snowshoe expedition he not once touched me, nor did he look at me the way he normally did. It seemed like he was embarrassed of us and didn't want his friend to know. Even during dinner, it was as if I was less than a friend. The car ride home was even more painful. During the ride my friend I had plans with that evening canceled on me. The entire 2 hour ride they talked about their awesome dancing plans and were texting friends encouraging everyone to come out. So I listened to their amazing plans for hours knowing that I was going home to an empty house and a box of Kleenex. This should have been the day I walked away but for some reason I always hope for better and hope there is a reason that I am not treated well. But if I am not on his mind, I am not on his mind.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Why don't I walk away the moment I am in pain? The only 4 relationships I have been in, whether serious or just these 2-3 month flings always end this way. I want to stop moping and learn that if I break-down within the first month it needs to be over. I realize I am unhappy. I wallow about it, cry myself to sleep and wait. I always look for the best in people and hope that I get to experience it. I often confront them about what I don't like, hoping to be treated better. Hoping to get that same excitement back. I have repeatedly been the experiment. I have been the rebound. The girl that satisfies them until they find what they really want. Then they use the feedback I gave them regarding what didn't work with me in order to make it work with someone else. It's never me. I am never the one anyone is willing to work for. This guy said that, maybe if he weren't in this mindset of needing that spark, it could have worked. But since he started it out with a pessimistic mindset there is no going back. Who's to say that is true? After 3 hours of wishy washy conversation, he finally said he didn't have the ability to give me what I need. Translation: you aren't special enough to me to try. I want to be that girl that someone is excited to see, to talk to, to spend time with. A person they are reminded of when they see or experience something I enjoy or have talked about. I want to go on dates. I want to have memories and experiences with someone. I want to be involved with someone who takes conversations and makes them reality.

Giving thanks

Honor. Thanksgiving to me, is about honor. Honoring yourself, those around you, the food that sustains us and the relationships that come about from caring for yourself and others. I had a very non-traditional Thanksgiving. I did not travel to be with family. I took the day to care for myself and honor my Father, who passed away December 26, 2009. He would have turned 69 on November 20th, last Friday. I didn't realize how emotional draining the holidays and memories of the challenges this time-last year held. How I have described it to many is that I have been a fountain. I use comedy as a method to talk about what I am going through, but not dwell on the sadness and not cry in front of everyone I talk to. Since my father's birthday I decided I wanted to honor him on Thanksgiving. I attended a yoga class Thanksgiving morning to benefit Northwest Harvest and the Humane Society. 42 people attended in a room that normally holds 25 max. We all practiced side by side. But because of the proximity the practice focused on channeling energy to the centerline. A more moon focused practice rather than a traditional sun focused practice. It was an interesting combination to be sharing a practice with so many people, in honor of helping others while focusing energy on ourselves and our hearts. I dedicated my practice to my father and to the strength he gave me. I am grateful that eyes are closed often in yoga, that way I didn't have to see those who may have noticed my tears.

Lola, as many know, gives me a close connection to my father. Part of the reason I adopted her was so that she could be a therapy dog for my dad. The last trip outside of his home was to visit her litter in the shelter and pick her out. She came home with me a week later. Exactly a week after she became a part of my home, he passed away. Part of me wonders if he was waiting for her. Not her exactly, but something that would always be there for me to take care of me. I know that at times he felt he was a burden on me. He wasn't, but I get it. He wanted to see me happy and taken care of, preferably by a man, but I guess an adorable puppy was good enough. Lola and I went over to his house everyday. She was about 15 pounds back then; good holding size. Every now and then he would look down at her and say: She is so pretty. She is good. She was an amazing addition to the rest of the senior living center too. So many people there grew up with dogs but don't have the ability to take care of one now. They let her nibble on their fingers and they watched her chase after treats. Once she is off antibiotics I hope to get her certified so that she can officially be a therapy dog. I miss the people my dad lived with. They became part of my support network. They knew his condition and watched the changes that occurred in his body and mind every day with me.

Oh yeah, so I arrived at this tangent because Lola was and is my support when I am sad. Even at 8 weeks she knew when it was time to comfort me. She was the one with me when my father died. She was not allowed in the facility (since she was too young to have all of her shots). I would go outside every hour or so and play with her, then put her back in the car. Which in reality, may have been a really good pause. When he died I went out to see her and she of course thought it was another play session. Within 5 seconds she felt my tears and nuzzled herself into my chest. That is the most amazing feeling of love. Later that evening I went to a dear friend's house where my Swiss Mountain Dog friend Peri lives. She did the same thing. The instant she felt my sadness she cuddled next to me with a very concerned expression on her face. Sorry, so many tangents.

I knew that Lola needed to be a part of honoring my father Thanksgiving morning. After yoga I went to the gym to sweat out some of my nervousness. Then Lola and I went to the dog park with the hope of making her a calm dinner guest later in the evening. After an hour of play time was interrupted by a scary mean poodle we headed down to the beach at Golden Gardens. No matter the time of year, beaches are so beautiful and calming. There were a number of families around, but it almost felt better to not be alone on the beach. After listening to the water while Lola jumped around driftwood and nibbled on seaweed I spread my father's ashes. I watched as they stayed together in the water and slowly drifted downstream. I walked with them for a bit, but lost strength and just sat down in the sand with Lola in my arms and watched. He loved the beach. Anywhere we went in our travels, we always ended up on a beach. Our most honest and open talks occurred at the beach. He loved the weekend walks we'd take at Golden Gardens. Even though he grew up in the trees, I know that the water is where he wanted to be.

Nearby, a family noticed what I had done. As Lola and I walked down the beach they stopped to talk to me. They had two playful dogs that of course loved Lola. They knew what I had done and stayed with me for a good 30 minutes while our dogs played and I recomposed myself. They were rock hunting and when they came across a heart-shaped rock they gave it to me. It was in my pocket for a few days and is now at the side of my bed. It will make me remember this day for the rest of my life. I am continually amazed by the kindness and generosity of complete strangers. It is hard to share what I am feeling with friends my age, but they were able to understand and provide the type of support I needed in that moment. They didn't ask me whose ashes I spread, when they died or how I felt. They just stayed with me and talked to me. It was an amazing morning that I will always cherish.

Taking the morning for myself helped me prepare for the evening. I didn't give myself a time frame, I just let the day go as I pleased. I came home to bake, shower and prepare myself and Lola for dinner. I went to a friend's house to join his Thanksgiving dinner with friends. I didn't know anyone but the host, but that was actually fine. It was nice being around people who didn't know what my morning entailed. I was able to keep that to myself and just relax. Sometimes it takes time to process before you are ready to talk about it. The other generous invitations I had were with people who knew. I felt so loved to have so many dinner options, but really wanted to remain close to home with my supportive puppy.

Giving in.

I love running outside. I love the sense of accomplishment I get from making it to a certain place and the views I get to enjoy along the way. I used to run my dog to Gasworks, climb the hill and take in the city view across Lake Union each morning. Each morning was beautiful and exhilarating with a slightly different sky above. The sky would still be dark, and the downtown buildings were yet to wake up. The only sounds nearby are the crazy crew ladies I always see at Pete's on the way to my bus and my dog running loose exploring each patch of grass. I used to run to work in Pioneer Square. I worked my hardest to keep up with the bike commuters and often caught up at the following stop-light. Arriving to work by foot always gives me an amazing sense of accomplishment. I used to run Greenlake on Sundays as a warm-up to a lovely JL yoga class. Depending on the weather and the weekend there are you regulars and then different crowds of families, kids, tourists, etc. to pass while huffing and puffing around the lake. Recently I have enjoyed the Cheshiahud Loop that circles Lake Union. However, after my a run in the soaking rain last week I decided it was time to give in. I need to learn to appreciate gyms and their offer of good health and energy through the rainy, windy and cold winter months. I'm just not down with spending that huge chunk'o'change each month for facilities I don't use all year round. So, to ease my way into it I am shopping around. I am doing the free trial circuit around the Fremont and Ballard area. It's kinda fun, other than the beginning sales pitch, but that is the reason they give you the free trials. Earlier in the week I went to Sound, Mind and Body in Fremont and had a physical exam by a PT which made me feel pretty good about myself. They have a really great facility with a good layout. The cardio machines all face the window that looks out onto the Burke Gilman and the Canal. The price however is more than a small chunk of change in addition to joining fees and fees to put a membership on hold. Kinda a bummer. This week I have been going to Anytime Fitness which is right around the corner from my house. Great location! Awkward atmosphere but it is cheap and has just about everything I'd want. If only they had a jacuzzi tub or sauna. Next on the list is Olympic Athletic Club in Ballard. This is turning out to be a pretty fun hobby. :)

Leaves and Love

Dogs can really teach us a lot about life. Yes, I just said that. Cliche, I know. But it really is true. My dog, Lola, is an absolute lover who never holds a grudge. She doesn't mind when people don't like her. If another dog or person snips at her, she will stay still for about 5 seconds a bit perplexed. Then she'll lay a few wet kisses on them. When they turn away she kisses them some more, but they tend never to bark again. Rather than argue or yell, as we often do, she just goes in for some lovin. Most dogs sniff the rear to understand their new doggie friend, Lola on the other hand, will make-out and then if they don't play right away she'll smell the rear. It kinda makes you rethink those people you avoid talking to because of an abrasive first impression or a stern personality.

So many little things make her happy. Her favorite thing to do is stay still on the couch when I come home from work then,the second I sit down to take off my shoes she barrel hugs me and excitedly kisses me. She also loves to put a toy on your lap, asking to play tug or catch. If you are busy and don't respond, she doesn't care. She'll toss the toy in the air herself and chase it. Or she'll grab a bone and sit as close to you as possible no matter where you are and chomp away. She loves sleeping curled up in the small of your back, as close as possible. Then in the morning while waking up she lays her head on my tummy with the look of, Really, it's time to get up already? Sucker, I can lounge all day! Recently I learned she is a fan of America's Next Top Model. Well, the elimination portion of the show that is. She was walking around doing her thing for the entire show until elimination when she was standing 5 inches away from the screen attentively awaiting Tira's decision. She must not be into the drama, just who's going to be on top. But, her #1 all-time love: Leaves. She is a fanatic. The front yard of the funeral home near my house is covered in leaves. All I do is kick them around with my feet and she goes balistic. It never gets old and she will look up at you smiling as if to say in a hyper excited way, Oh my gosh, that was so amazing, did you see that yellow one, and then that orange one, and then when it flew on my head and then and then and then...Can you tell I love my pup?

Misleading texts

When does giving your number to someone to hang out turn into them texting 16 times and calling 5 times over the course of 6 days! I only sent one text response on day #2. This guy was my supervisor when I was volunteering at Oktoberfest. When I attended the festival the next day I said hello. He was a cool guy so I gave him my number so we could hang out. I know I shouldn't assume all new acquaintences have purely platonic intentions, but I like to keep my perceptions of peoples' innocence until proven otherwise. The texts started out as We should hang out sometime and What are you up to tonight? to You would sleep well if I were cuddling you. When did the meaning of giving someone your number turn into an agreement to have sex? It sure doesn't mean that to me! Soon after this text I received another: BTW, how old are you? I really wanted to mess with him and say something like 17 or 36, but I just took the silent approach. I figured any responses would make matters worse or prolong the unnecessary text monologue. On day 5, I didn't get any texts or calls so I thought I was home free! Then, on day 6 I get: Why aren't you responding? Then You seem like a cool girl, all I want to do is hang out with you. And of course, around 5pm on Friday: We should hang out tonight, I really want to see you. Why? He knows nothing about me. I could be a phsycopath for all he knows.

During this same time period I received 13 calls from another number, with no voicemails left. I met a guy on Friday night who I was somewhat interested in...until he lit a cigarette. However, by that time I had already given him my number. So, I am assuming he is this second ghost caller, but he hasn't left any messages. The majority of people I know don't respond to unfamiliar numbers. I get tons of sales calls. I figure if someone really wants to talk they will leave me a voicemail. So I have just been ignoring that one.

This leads me to another point of frustration. Why is the main method of communication now text? I hate it. So much is lost to this new technology. Okay, it is not so new, but I have only been texting for about a year. Yes, it is convenient for quick messages to friends or when sending directions, small follow-ups to previous conversation, or a method to communicate last-minute group invites, but not for getting to know someone or communicating emotions. I don't want to look through the emoticon dictionary to understand my text messages. Texting is misleading.In the case of the abovementioned semi-stalker, he was trying to communicate with me through 15 word messages. Who knows, maybe he wasn't a creap that wanted to sleep with me, but I have no way of knowing that since I only had texts to interpret. Bad grammar is also a turn-off for me. I understand that grammar goes away with messaging, but if someone wants to impress me, they aren't going to do it with text slang.

A friend of mine argued that texting allows someone to test the waters to know if the person on the other line is interested. Well, that may be sorta true, but if someone has my number, that usually means I am interested. You can text with someone you have nothing in common with for weeks without realizing just that. You have as many hours as you would like to create a whitty text message. You can spend two weeks prolonging the inevitable. I like to know right away if I have common ground with someone. I can have a 20 minute phone conversation with someone and learn just as much, if not more than I could have with 2 weeks of text messaging. Efficiency. Plus, with actual voice-to-voice communication you can hear the inflection (or lack there of) in someone's voice, know if the LOL is legit or just an automatic texter response and most of all, understand sarcasm. I prefer those interested in me to call, and leave a message if they actually want to talk to me. Texting to initiate something shows me that there isn't a strong interest or confidence. Texting says to me that they aren't invested enough to take a risk.

The "little" people.

Numerous people around me seem to have something up their butt. The first contact I had with multiple colleagues this morning was a complaint of some sort that was an unnecessary insult to another colleague or myself. Maybe I am still in a haze from being surrounded by amazingly generous and kind people for the past 3 days but I have to vent.

1. First I am approached by my boss who said I need to be supporting my coworker who is alone at the front desk. Her tone of voice and body language was abrasively belittling. She acted as if I had not communicated with her and had left her stranded. Little did she know that we had communicated earlier, she just didn't communicate with us to know we had done so.
2. This was then followed by another colleague basically calling my coworker stupid for having forgotten to put forks on the lunch table for their meeting. It was one little mistake. She is not stupid, she just forgot a utensil. He could have gone downstairs and gotten forks and returned to his meeting in the time spent complaining to me.
3. Then I go on an errand to pick up treats a team will use in an interview. I went to the specific grocery store requested and got a magnificent platter of cookies and fruit for the meeting. The point of the treats is to keep a client group awake. I didn't know that required me to purchase chocolate covered coffee beans. Lost points in my admin intelligence there.
4. Soon after I was setting up a lunch video for my team to watch. This entailed hooking up a colleague's personal DVD player to a company computer in order to watch the Region 2 DVD. I was having difficulty so I asked a coworker to help. He started changing wires and then walked away. I tried to figure it out myself while being asked by 3 colleagues in a snoody voice: Is this going to happen or what? I called IT and my friendly desk support specialist came out to help. Within 2 minutes he got everything working while explaining to the first colleague (who had finally returned) why his set-up was not working. Said colleague rolled his eyes openly to those around and stated why his set-up was correct under his breath. Excuse me, but IT got it to work, he did not. Frankly, I am upset with the lack of respect my team gives our IT department. They act as if they know everything and forget the infrastructure behind the systems they use daily. Then they wonder why IT isn't always enthusiastic to help them. You kinda sorta have to be nice to them and listen when they talk in order to gain their respect. Often times the technology problems they experience have to do with not following directions from IT. They don't have protocols and instruction guides to feel powerful, they have them for prevention purposes. That is how they insure your technology will run smoothly. They rarely, if ever, get a call from someone who is happy. All of their calls are complaints and frustrations. I don't know how they do it everyday.

This was before lunch. Let's see what the rest of the day brings...

What happened?

I just looked in the mirror and thought: I feel beautiful. Odd to just say out of the blue. I mean, not that I feel ugly, just that I haven't felt that amazing lately. I just looked in the mirror and felt it. My life has been a whirlwind of craziness, but I am still alive and ticking. (Oddly enough after the weekend I had).

Lola went in for a trans-tracheal wash today. She had x-rays last week and her lungs look pretty gnarly. The tests won't be back for a couple of days, but most signs lead to chronic pneumonia. She is a trooper. I took her home after work and she spent the evening walking around the house crying or cuddled on the couch. I just took it easy with her and watched Rachel getting married. Which by the way is a good movie. It was a great role for Anne Hathaway.

My house may or may not have mold, but I have multiple leaks. I have a leak detection company coming next week. I also need to schedule an eye exam and dermatology appointment for myself. I just feel ridiculous for constantly being late and constantly needing time off for the same problems. I always feel like I am lying when I tell my boss I will be late because of Lola or because of my home problems. They both stopped believing and caring even though it is true. Oh well.

So this weekend. Well I would be lying if I didn't use the word epic for Sunday night. I cannot even believe what happened. Which is fine, because I don't know everything that happened. Here are a few highlights: Ashley and I had multiple tequila shots at home with the intention to not drink more at the bars. (This plan did not pan out). We were handed oatmeal cookie shots upon arrival to a snazzy club in Pioneer Square. I was escorted out of the bar because I was too intoxicated. The bouncers hung out with me and gave me water. (I can now get us in without cover whenever we want). We went to a second bar. It was goth night. We lost Ashley...who had my house keys. I lost my coat. I drunk dialed a dude I met while walking my dog Saturday night...multiple times. Ashley lost her house and car keys. I called Ashley 15 times from 1:51-2:13am...sobbing. I ran out of money. Jenny paid for my cab home. Some random dude heard me crying and helped me break into my house so I could let Lola out. Ashley cried at her door and then proceeded to walk down Aurora back to my house. The kitchen counter remains show that I ate nachos with almonds as a drunken snack. We found my shoes, phone and a men's jacket outside of my door in the morning. Monday was difficult.

I am still shocked as to how this all happened and how none of us knew what was going on. I stayed home most of Monday, which is very difficult for me to do. Lola didn't want to walk and I didn't have the energy to go to any exercise classes or run, so I stayed home and finally organize my closet and folded laundry. Interesting how the small things seem to put some of the puzzle pieces back together. Okay, so going back to my initial statement regarding beauty. Having these encounters with men this weekend boosted my confidence. I felt ugly after tri-guy. I wasn't wanted. I felt like an experiment, I was used to see if he was ready to get back in the dating game. Unfortunately I am in a different mindset in regards to relationships. Anyway... Having a guy stand outside of a bar watching his and my dog play for 20 minutes while talking to me felt good. Asking for my number and the texts the following day made me feel even better. On the same walk a group of guys stopped to play with Lola and one in particular was quite inquisitive. If I had found this confidence before I would have taken a risk. The bouncer at the club called to check in on me. I am desirable. I should feel confident in myself rather than wallow and wonder why I am not good enough for the men of my past.

Bus talk

If you had a captive audience would you take advantage of it? I rode the bus to work this morning. I have been feeling super jello-ie and fat, but also very tired. So I slept in today rather than going for my usual morning run. That meant that I rode the bus to work. This particular driver is pretty awesome. He comments on the cars and people around him, either to himself or to those sitting near him. He has a fun morning tradition of asking his bus riders a trivia question. Today's question: What five syllable word describes a one-syllable word? I don't think I have been on his bus in over 5 months, but I always remember and enjoy his morning trivia. Sometimes people are just in their morning zombie stuper, but sometimes his questions get a little bit of conversation flowing. Sometimes you also have the drivers that just talk non-stop, as if it is open mic night at a bar or the therapists offie. Bus culture is interesting. Everyone has their own bus personality. There are the people with their iPods blaring telling all those around: Please do not attempt to talk or make eye contact with me. There are the observers. They are the people watching bunch that sometimes forget they are staring at you. Yes, sometimes when I forget I am not wearing sunglasses I fall into that group. There are the drunks in the back that smell like a fifth of Jack no matter what time of day. There are talkers, the ones who start telling you about their problems and by the end of the 15 minute bus ride I know where they were born, that their father was protective, their wife cheated on them with their best friend and what sandwich they ate yesterday. They often just talk to talk, they aren't really interested in the person they are talking to. There are also the phone talkers. Same as the regular talker, just that you have to imagine what the person on the other line is saying, but you tend to get more detail on their day to day problems and struggles than that of the regular talker. I like the variety that bus riding provides. Public transit exposes to to all of the different types that make up your city.

I just want to sleep...

Yesterday's horoscope: Even if you aren't enjoying your work today, it's easy to make it look like you're having fun. This can become a game for you that alleviates your boredom and actually makes life more pleasurable. But there could be a price to pay for hiding your true feelings if you don't know when to call it quits. Unexpressed negative emotions can turn into resentment, so it may be wiser to just be honest from the beginning.

It's funny how spot on these can be sometimes. There isn't really more to explain. I woke up very out of it and cranky. I woke up once from a 2am phone call and another time from Lola coughing. She stayed in bed past my wake-up time. She usually gets up with the first alarm while I press snooze. I just want her to get better, have healthy energy levels and stop coughing! Looks like another $300 at the vet is in order. :( I can't even remember the last time I was able to sleep more than 5 hours consecutively. I hate waking up cranky because then Lola thinks I am mad. But it is hard to be sweet and loving when I have been consistently sleep deprived for over 4 months. I know mothers experience it, but at least they can feed and change their babies to put them back to bed. A pacifier doesn't work for coughs.

On the hunt for pink

I visited a good college friend in San Diego this weekend. She and her husband are living there while she completes her PhD. They are great people. This was my second visit to their Cali home. I love visits when your hosts get to partake in your vacation.

It is amazing seeing two people who are so perfect for eachother. They just get eachother and make eachothers' lives better. They have cute little couple language, looks, traditions. They truly care for and about eachother. It is great to see that. Of course it sucks to not have that myself, nor to have experienced it. But it makes me see what is possible and reinforces why my past is my past.

Friday's goal was to acquire the most rockin pink attire for our mud run the following day. Amanda and I spent the day going to Target, Walmart and all of those teenage stores you would normally never set foot in on the hunt for pink. It was a silly waste of the day but pretty damn awesome. The most prized acquisitions of the evening were 2 pink feather boas. ;)

Community

I love my tiny little home in Fremont. It has been great to create and discover so many little connections. I know several business owners and many know me by name. I sometimes spend an hour in the pet supply store down the street, not shopping but talking to the owner. I wave at my vet as I walk to the language school I teach at. My neighbors say hello and wait to hear the response to: How are you? So, last night I was stressed, as usual. I didn't have a puppy sitter for my San Diego trip, that I am leaving for in a few minutes. One of my neighbors in a sidewalk conversation had told me just to knock on his door if I ever needed someone to watch Lola...so I did. He was more than willing to take her in the for 5 days of my vacation. He came over right then to go over her food, grab a key and play with the little lady. Not only is he a super nice guy, but he is an animal activist and used to be a vet tech for a holistic vet. It could get any better, but it does. He is also watching a yellow lab this weekend to. So, Lola gets man time and doggie play time all weekend. The generosity around me is sometimes overwhelming. I love making connections like this. He is a lifesaver. I will be able to truly enjoy my vacation knowing my little lady is in good hands.

Relief

I got an email last night from a young aspiring med student with a picture of herself surrounded by baskets of books. Turns out, she was one of my best students my first year of teaching at UW. She followed me through the 100-series. She was a very quiet but incredibly bright student. I even remember her final skit from Italian 101. They may be writing for favors (recommendation letters), but I love hearing from past students and seeing where they have gone. Given that I taught her over 4 years ago and my classes and influence stuck with her makes me feel good. Often times college students never continue with Italian, but I always emphacize that the skills learned in language learning will help them in all facets of their studies. In fact, with this particular student I had to create special worksheets explaining simple grammar. (What is a noun, adverb, subjunctive mood, etc.) This simple little email made my night. :)

I had another heart-to-heart with my boss yesterday. At one point I cried (tears of appreciation, not sadness). Yes, these conversations are happening out in the open since we have an open office layout. Who knows what people think when they walk by. I told him that my future is not here and explained where my passion lies. I told him I had written out explanations and reflections on my time here, but felt it was unnecessary to discuss the details of the past. He was incredibly supportive...other than that slight discomfort with having spent so much effort to push me along in planning with no positive result in his favor. The main point to his stories was that I need to get moving and make changes as soon as possible so that I will never look back at my life with regret. He said he will support me during this transition. He said he will keep me employed for 2-3 months while I figure out how to do what I want to do. That is amazingly gracious, but I don't feel right about it. At a time like this the planning group needs someone who is completely dedicated to the future of the team and their future in the planning field worldwide. At the conclusion of the conversation I told my boss: If reductions in admin staff need to happen Amanda should not be let go. Translation = There are only two admins thus, by deductive reasoning I should be the first to be laid off.

I will miss it here. Yesterday I was following a coworker to her desk. Her high heels accentuated her muscles making her calves look phenomenal...so I told her. She turned a bit red a giggled. Then she said in her sexy Russian accent: You have a cute butt. You wiggle it when you walk. I'll miss her and all of those cute conversations. As sad as it is to walk around the halls knowing that this will not be the place I go or the people that I see 5 times a week, I am relieved. I am not hiding my feelings of discomfort anymore.

Transparency

I wouldn't call it a fault, but I am not able to hide my emotions well. I take that back. When I am dealing with emotions internally, such as those in my personal life that have no logical roadmap, I am able to hide them from others and go along with my daily tasks. However, when in a situation that is completely illogical or frustrating, my face tells it all. On a recent occasion at work I was paged and told I needed to report to my boss immediately. I was in a meeting with an architect, for whom I was producing a document that was to be sent to the client within an hour. I said I was busy and she said this was urgent and I needed to come right away. It was not, it was for her convenience so she would not have to tell me later in the day where to move some architectural models. When I returned to my one-on-one meeting with a busy and frantic architect he said: Your face turns red when you are frustrated. I like that about you. You are easy to read.

It is good. As long as I am around people who are willing to find out what it is that I am frustrated about. Today it became apparent just how transparent my emotions regarding my frustration at work have been. When I started at this company I had big picture initiative and started numerous organization and best practice efforts. Most of my efforts were appreciated in theory, but never implemented. Not because they were bad, just because this company has no policies that they hold their employees accountable to and therefore my efforts, the reason I was hired in my position just seemed like a waste of time. Anyway, that is another rant.

I went to my other boss, the planning one, to ask him for a receipt. That is when he approached me about my current attitude at work. He perceived and was experiencing the detachment and called me out on it. He went on for a good ten minutes on all of the things he has done for me and that I have not taken advantage of them. He also outlined tasks that he gave me that I have not followed up on or been consistent on. He said that I have not been been standing up for myself when Tanya or David ask me to do admin over planning work. He then asked me to think about all of this and make a decision in the next few days because he needs to hire help as soon as possible. I understand and acknowledge all that he said. There is another side to most everything that he mentioned. One example being meeting agendas. He asked me to meet with him with a meeting agenda in place for him to add to. Problem is, I can never find him. He is always in meetings, out of the office or on the phone. When they moved me away from my coworkers within the office collaboration went down the drain. He accused me of not inserting myself into the marketing group since that is one thing I have shown I am good at in the company. Every time I try I am told there is nothing I can help with. Every now and then I go above our marketing rep to the marketing manager. She always lets me help her lighten her workload, but not the planning marketing contact. I could justify almost every statement but what it comes down to is my passion. It is not in planning. As much as I tried to convince myself it was, I can't find the spark.

This is when the boss I came to the company for shined through the frustration. I have more than once had him vent at me for things completely out of my control because, well, I listen. There was more vent related to me than normal, but a lot of his frustrations with me are out of my control. Anywayz. When I told him that I do not feel my heart is in planning he openly spoke with me spiritually. He believes there is a reason I came to work for him, even if it wasn't related to his work. I agree. When I came to the company I was in need of stability and emotional support. I had begun the task of taking care of my father without the support of my family. My coworkers became my family. I had work to do taht intrigued me, but allowed me to go home and take care of my father. My friends were supportive, but they couldn't understand completely what I was going through. At work I was surrounded by people who had gone through similar situations. My coworkers were 1/3 of the attendees at my father's funeral. I think that is what brought me to him. He gave me emotional stability through a great network of coworkers, challenging distractions from my home life and a stable income to keep myself healthy.

Now it really is time for me to move on. I told him my desired direction and interests, so he knows that my heart lies elsewhere. I have a feeling he is going to give me the kick in the pants that I need. I will miss these chats with him, even if I always feel I should have a glass of wine afterward. I have never called someone sage, but he deserves that title. My next task is to write an agenda for my follow-up chat with him this week.

Puppies rock

If you are ever feeling down, give a puppy a spoonful of peanut butter, sit back and observe. You will feel better in no time. :)

Unfortunately, it doesn't last forever. My mind has been drawn in 50 different directions lately and it just feels like nothing seems to be going right. I just want to press pause, just for one day.
1. Lola continues to have her cough. When I think one of her ailments is better another one layers itself on top.
2. The developer of my condo complex has no money and cannot uphold the 2 year warranty or any other contract items. This means all of the fixes that need to be done condo-wide and on my individual unit will all be out of pocket.
3. My job continues to lead to no where and makes me feel down and useless every day I go in.
4. Fundraising for the Breast Cancer 3-day has proven to be incredibly challenging. Our yard sale has been a bust and I often feel like I am the only one on my team.

I am looking forward to a bit of Nicole Hatha Flow to calm my mind and let me reflect on all that has happened in the last few hours. More soon....

Pronto?

A cute memory of my dad came up while I was teaching last night. We were reading some vocabulary for pronunciation when we came across the word pronto. Do you ever have those moments when certain words or certain phrases repeat in your head in that signature way someone else says it? My dad used to answer the phone (no matter where he was) like an Italian would by saying pronto? with his goofy American accent. It didn't matter where we were. He made the mistake of doing it once in a hotel in Italy and quickly realized if he answered in that manner they would respond in Italian. He was one of those people that loved the language but just never quite got it. He studied some Italian while I was living in Italy but the second he was around it he shut off his ears. After 10 years of visits, he still could never pronounce the name of the city where I lived.

It is interesting how different each person's mind works. He was a methodical thinker being an engineer turned architect. When there are acceptions to grammar rules or idiomatic phrases he just didn't get it. I noticed this a lot teaching at UW. I learned Italian through immersion so sometimes I have that motherly response of: That's just how it is. Maybe it's the artist in me. I can deal with not everything following the rules and go with the flow. I have one student in my current 101 class who is just not getting it. He is waiting for that formula to allow everything to make sense or that magical lightbulb moment to occur rather than make it happen. You have to put in extra effort to make it happen. Luckily he approached me about this and we had a wonderful chat about the different study tactics and methods he can try, so we'll see how he feels at the end of the quarter. Wow. I didn't think that little memory would stir up so much thought. I have struggled a lot with those surrounding me who think way too big picture, and never make anything happen. There are so many initiatives that I have spent hours of energy and creative problem solving to start, but they fall to the wayside because the big thinkers don't come back to help with implementation. A lolely admin really has no leverage to start new policies in a large company. They live in the clowds without any feasible timeline or process to get to their goals. With this mentality comes a lot of complaining and whining over current policies or personal states of mind. Unfortunately, in my current work environment I am doing the same. I complain but have no capacity to really take action. I'm ready for my little Oregon expedition this week to clear my head a bit and to reflect on what I need to and should do. Ironically this post is coming full circle. The conclusion is that I need to take action. The literal translation of the word pronto? is ready?.

Neutralizing frustration

Today’s horoscope:
You may be ready to add more meaning to your life as mundane events at work require an increasing amount of your attention. Your workmates may not even realize how detached you feel when performing your tasks, and it's probably better to leave them out of your current dilemma. But this is not about escaping from your daily routine; it's about developing a more spiritual approach to what you must do.

Sometimes I am surprised by how on the money my horoscope is. So what have I been thinking about? Well, this emotional roller coaster started when one of my close team members was let go from the company. It was part of the 3rd round of layoffs, we are now up to 5. Only weeks before, our boss told us we were safe and just a few days later she was let go and our workloads increased. I have been told I am safe, but the reality is, no one is. This happened right around the time I started seeing someone who was also discontent in his job. He however, has a distinct business vision and is immensely passionate about it. That is what I want! I want to be incredibly passionate about something, I want to look forward to working each day. This led to the question of, what am I passionate about? At the time I was enrolled in a course at UW and was not doing well in the class, in reality, I just wasn't doing the class. I was getting stressed about the continuing education that I signed up for within urban planning. I no longer had that insatiable curiosity and drive to learn about the field I am in. I am not used to being unenthusiastic about learning. So I sat down with my boss for one of our heart-to-hearts. The result of the conversation was the postponement of all continuing education. (It just so happened that later that afternoon I received news that the program I applied for at UW was cut from the 2009-2011 budget. No possibility of regret is fabulous). He told me a story about a former assistant of his. He said that she was an amazing woman and a great worker, but her heart wasn’t there, so he fired her. It was the best thing that happened to her. She is now a successful dentist and loves her job. When I reflect on my time at the company I have come to realize that my heart is not here. I fell in love with what urban planning is and what it does for communities and its incredible global impact, but I could never quite find my place in the field. I admire what so many of my coworkers have accomplished around the world and what they are doing now. They are why I have stayed, but after 18 months I have not found my niche.

So what’s my plan? I am not sure. If I didn’t have an amazing puppy to love and hefty mortgage to pay who knows where I’d be. Unfortunately I am an adult, so I need to pay the bills. Here is a list of professional ideas: wellness coaching, Pilates instruction, Italian language teaching, physical therapy assistant, personal training and animal assisted therapy. When taking care of my father I couldn’t handle the stress of an irregular work schedule. Now I crave it. I would love to teach Italian and Pilates simultaneously while pursuing one of the other wellness oriented professions I listed. I have always loved helping others maintain or discover a healthy lifestyle.

Teaching has always been a form of therapy to me. I get to be the center of attention and talk in a beautiful language about what I want. when I want. Selfish, I know. But really, its great. I also laugh and joke...and sometimes my students do the same. When my father was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2006 I was a wreck. Teaching each day became my outlet. Once I stepped into the classroom my mind was clear and my focus fell away from my thoughts and onto my students.

In an odd way, Pilates has always been there when I needed help. Sounds like I’ve had a love affair with the exercise, but it is true. After a rough break up I started going to Pilates regularly and became friends with my instructors and the regular students. I was unemployed, so it was a needed that social outlet. I then started volunteering at the studio. As you know, I hate being bored, so I started volunteering more and more and eventually the owner offered me a paid position. It gave me a challenge, something to do when I was going through the turmoil of job hunting and newfound singletude. Since then Pilates is the activity I look forward to in my week. I have built relationships with instructors and when I say: I am upset, kick my butt please. They do. When I am feeling strong they challenge me. When I need to rehabilitate an injured body, my instructors help realign my body.

I have seen the amazing changes in my body and mind from Pilates and would love to share those same gifts to others every day. The only downfall to this decision is that, like language teaching, it is not a stable career. Your income can vary week to week, your clients will continually change, you may be bouncing from studio to studio but that’s okay. If the mortgage is paid, and Lola and I are happy and healthy I will never regret this decision. Know any single rich old men? ;)

Lunar eclipse

Yoga is that one constant in my life that I can count on to open up new feelings and experiences each time I practice. My favorite instructor is amazing at following the lunar cycle and how these natural phenomena affect our daily lives. Tomorrow is the third of four eclipses in 2009. When there is a significant lunar change approaching or occurring she begins class by reflecting on that change and how it manifests in our lives. Today's class focused on grounding the body and focusing thoughts and feelings inward through centralizing movements. This means that from a Uttanasana (forward fold) you keep palms together in prayer while rising to Urdhva Hastasana rather than floating hands out to the sides and up. She asked us to reflect on something that occurred approximately 8 months ago. We were also asked to reflect on something that happened in our lives last week that a recurrence of a previous event, one that we could believe was happening. For the past month I have been focusing my energy on an event that happened 8 months ago and unable to understand why I have held this grudge for so long. The week my father passed away (December 26, 2008) we had a snow storm in Seattle that pretty much immobilized everyone in-city. Less that half of my office went to work the two weeks before the holiday break. In those two weeks I was spending most of my time outside of work with my new puppy at my father's side. His brain was working against him and his body quickly followed. I spend hours on the phone with hospice workers and nurses. My evenings entailed trying to help him eat and keep him as mobile and independent as possible. The week of Christmas I knew in my heart we were close, but this was never something I could bare to verbalize. Each of the three work days of that week I called in after spending hours waiting for already jam-packed buses. I was forced to come in all snow-storm days. On Christmas Eve I called in saying I needed to spend time with my father and could not afford to wait at the bus-stop for another full-bus to pass me by (this was after waiting for 1.5 hours). The response of my boss was: Try again, you have to come in today. All I did when in the empty office was sit on the phone crying while my father was transferred to an in-patient hospice facility in Kirkland. I didn't get to see my father in a conscious state before he died.

Had my boss been considerate following this event I may have been able to move past it. However, seeing her treat others in the same way when they are going through sickness or times of difficulty I have lost all respect for her. In theory she says she will accommodate and help us when in need, but when that time comes she freaks out and makes us feel horrible for having unforeseen circumstances keep us out of the office. This is an atmosphere that I can no longer function in. Now we come to the second comment from my yoga instructor. Last week my company put 20 people on part-time or furlough status. In the week leading up to this change my boss gave me the silent treatment. She literally stopped talking to me. She invited me to a meeting with the COO and another admin. When I asked the subject of the meeting she did not respond. Not only that, but this meeting was postponed 2 times, making my coworker and I stew around conjecturing all sorts of ideas for 2 weeks. When the meeting finally occurred it lasted 10 minutes. We were told that we had to go back to doing basic office administration, meaning that emptying the dishwasher is higher priority than editing a proposal that is going out of the office in an hour. For me this was a slap in the face. The title of my position on my contract is Project Assistant, not office maid. When seeing the lack of expression in our faces their response was: We all just need to chip in for now. Wait, lets count, this is the 5th time in 18 months I have been in a meeting with my boss and the COO where the same statement was said. This shows the utter lack of respect that the company has for me and my future. I have stayed at the company because I adore the person who hired me. He has been an amazing mentor both professionally and personally. Unfortunately, he is not the one who has authority over my daily schedule.

I need a change, and it looks as if the moon has confirmed this change. My biggest challenge is to stop being so cranky and snoody at work. I need channel that negative energy into finding and taking new opportunities that will allow me to leave this degrading job. I have ideas...but those will come in a later post. I needed to free my mind. :)