Get moving!!!

It is time for me to get off my buns and stop moping. All I do is sit in front of a computer all day hoping to find that hidden gem of a job opportunity hiding in the lairs of the internet. Wrong. It ain't gonna happen that way. Plus, this computer habit has added some extra weight to my waistline with all of this sitting and worrying. I was so good initially, I painted my house, organized and caught up on a bunch of errands. Then all of a sudden the reality of no income set in and depression and my productivity went to a stand still. My cousin made a very good point. If I keep at this, not only will I regret not taking advantage of this time off, but I'll have to buy new clothes to enclose my unemployment gut. I don't have the income to buy new clothes so it's time to get off my butt, limit my daily computer time and enjoy the sunny Seattle winter! I started running again. It has only been since December, but boy are my legs overwhelmed with this new running habit. I made a commitment to Run for Water in April and my legs better help me keep that commitment. So far I have kept to the training schedule and exceeded it when it comes to cross training. Yesterday I went to my first yoga class in months. It felt so great and amazing. I love the quaint studio atmosphere. There were only 5 of us, so we lined our mats in a circle to create rays of sunshine. I know it sounds hippy and silly, but it was so uplifting. The teacher has one of those amazingly soothing voices and makes you feel calm even when she is making you hold a plank 2 inches from the ground for almost 30 seconds! My shoulders and back were definitely talking to me when I woke up. Yay! Now I've got to keep it up in order to get rid of these nasty unemployment pounds!!

Cuddle Time.

This is what I crave. Touch is has always been a tricky part of my life. It was absent for most of my childhood and the majority of my adult life. I remember hugging and kissing my parents good night when I was very small. Then at a certain point that stopped. There was no hugging or kissing. My aunts and uncles are occasional huggers, it is always difficult to read if and when it is appropriate. In fact, after a family dinner, the first in years, I went around the room hugging each uncle and cousin while saying good-bye. One cousin actually stepped back and wouldn't hug me. It was surprising and almost offensive, but everyone has their bubble I guess.

Maybe that is why, when someone touches me in any way I feel loved. Since touch is not a constant part of my life, I get so much out of such small amounts of touch. Touch is another language, it can show compassion, kindness, camaraderie, sympathy, adoration, appreciation and passion. That simple pat on the shoulder that accompanies a good joke or the light touch on the hand with sympathy. Even the simple handshake. You can understand so much about someone from how they physically reach out to each other.

There is a lot of touch in my Pilates classes. Not wierd touch, but helpful touch. My instructors grab or touch muscles they want me to turn on, or off, or they guide their hand down the muscle path that should be used in a given exercise. They also assist in stretch or massage muscles that have worked. They nurture. You work with the body that each person has, their mental and physical abilities in order to rehabilitate and strengthen them.

Touch rejuvenates. Think about how you feel after a big bear hug or a passionate kiss. If there is anything that I feel I am missing in my life right now, it is touch. There is much more I'd like out of a romantic partner, but right now, what I want most is touch. Not kinky sex touch, but comfort, compassion, warmth, and most of all: presence. I miss having someone hold me. Someone to come up behind me and kiss me on the neck to say hello. Someone to run their fingers through my hair. Someone to cuddle on the couch with and watch a movie. Someone to hold my hand while walking my dog. There is so much communication in physical touch that, as far as I know, is irreplaceable.

Longing and belonging.

Yogi tea is always thought provoking and warms my belly at the same time. The art of longing and the art of belonging must be experienced in life. I've got the art of longing down pat. It's the belonging part that I find tricky. I often feel I belong, whether it is with social networks, work relationships, or family. Then something challenges those relationships, they soon dissolve or go into hiding and I am alone again. My job right now it to figure out what interests belong to me so that I can experience both longing and belonging in my life.

Lost.

Just when I think things are moving in the direction obstacles automatically get thrown in my face. I feel like I am a good person, but I don't feel like I have done any good lately. I spent a year taking care of my dying father. I sacrificed many aspects of my personal life to do this and I don't regret it. I adopted a dog from a rescue shelter to be a therapy dog for my father and ultimately a therapy dog that would visit hospice centers, nursing homes and elementary schools. I am in a Pilates teacher training to help teach people how to live and function without pain and feel more in tune with their bodies. I have tried to focus all of my career pursuits on doing good for others and I just want to feel that in my life. I want to feel cared for and appreciated. I want to feel like everything will be okay like everyone says, but at the end of the day I am alone. Right now, in this moment, I have no freakin clue what I am doing and what to do next.

I came home from a nice day. I taught one student and then made a nice lunch. After a bit of correspondence and telephone inquiries Lola and I went for a sunny walk in Ballard. During my walk I got an unexpected call. A caterer I worked with frequently at my old job called to ask why I wouldn't be the one to great her at 7am next week. I told her the news and she too was shocked. She enjoyed the professional relationship we created and wants to keep in touch. Someone liked me and thought I worked hard! I went to the gym and had a good cardio workout. I felt great. Probably one of my best days since getting axed. Until I came home.

I received a letter from the Employment Security Department that was filled out by CollinsWoerman. It says that I was fired because I did not meet standards and I had poor work habits. Yet, no one ever told me this, nor was I ever given a written warning of my poor work. So, it looks like I will be called into an interview soon. Which I really hope is the case. It seems easier than the 7 forms I have currently filled out and sent since my initial application. In addition, the form the company sent has the incorrect separation date. According to my HR friend, there is no reason my application should be denied and I can easily request the proper information to support this. Also, the fact that my previous employer says that I moved on rather than she is no longer with the company, is contrary to what they say on the form. I just want it to be over. After reading this letter I checked my voicemail to find a message from my car insurance company. It looks like my story lines up with the accident. Apparently I backed into a Mercedes. I don't recall this occurring, but there is an eye witness who gave a statement that corresponds with my activity of the evening. I don't hit cars. In fact, I only park in larger parallel parking spots to avoid the tap on the incline. I parked, ran into my house to change and get my dog and left again. I am starting to hate my home. I can't afford it and it puts me at risk for accidents. I put in an application for food stamps. In doing so I realized that I do not have enough money in my bank account to pay my expenses for the month.

Valentine's Day

The good thing about being single on Valentine's day is that there is no agenda. I don't have to clean up, dress nicely or put make-up on. My no shower Sunday rule did not have to be broken. Of course I'd love to have someone to show love for me on Valentine's day. Someone to creatively come up with a romantic adventure for the day. Instead, I get to be selfish. I get to take the day for myself and spend time with fabulously independent girlfriends. Last night a good friend and I went to a Burlesque show where the owner of my Pilates studio was the star of the Heavenly Spies. Its kinda interesting seeing your teacher in pasties. :) It was a fabulous show and one of those experiences that is best shared with girlfriends. Our waiter was young and flirtily fun. We ate good food, drank some tasty beverages, listened to great live music while watching women perform in scantily clad attire. It was wonderful. And not only that, but on our way to the bus it began pouring rain. Rather than this hindering our fun, we just draped scarves over our heads and ran through downtown. It actually kind of added to the evening. Maybe for some it was a romantic atmosphere, but for us it was almost liberating to skip around in fancy dresses and high heals in the rain with no worry of what we'd look like later. After our return to my neighborhood we walked around looking for a decent place for drinks while in swanky dinner theatre attire but just didn't have an inkling for any particular locale. Instead, we kicked off our shoes and hung out gabbing on my bed with my puppy. Just an all-around delightful Valentine's eve.

In the spirit of love, I took extra special care of myself on Valentine's Day. I slept in. Spent time with my puppy. Brainstormed potential job connections. Taught a friend Pilates. Worked on business flyers. Went to yoga. Grocery shopped. Made a delightfully eclectic dinner and watched a chick flick in the comfort of my pjs. Lola and I went for a wee walk where I got myself a decadent desert and a bag of carrots for the pooch. We returned ho

me for some snacking, yet another chick flick and some quality cuddle time. All in all, this was a great Valentine's. In the past I have always made cards for all of my friends and coworkers coupled with homemade truffles. If I were with someone, I'd spend hours making a card and devising the perfect gift. I miss that, but I am glad that this year it was all about me. Sometimes I get so caught up in making sure others feel love that I forget to love myself. Yes cliche, but seriously, sometimes selfishness is needed.

I am off to bed with yet another Yogi tea inspirational message: Don't sleep counting sheep. Count blessings, then sleep.

If I post it I have to do it.

I have let myself be in a funk that I told myself I would not fall into. Yes, certain things in my life suck right now and some are incredibly stressful and out of my control. Thing is, I have been forgetting about those things that are in MY control. There are so many things I dreamed about doing when I was working long hours. I need to get off my ass and stop depression eating/drinking. Now I can do them and need to do them. So here goes, here are my preliminary goals.

1. Fix up my bike and start riding to the gym.
2. Go to the gym! It is so lovely when I get there and I feel fabulous after. Now I don't have to go during rush hour. I really have NO excuse.
3. Paint my kitchen. It is the last room left. :)
4. Paint my door. I feel a little wall art is in order since I have left over paint and all.
5. Install bike hooks. I figure, if my bike is always in view, I will be more tempted to use it!
6. Try a new recipe each week.
7. Stretch! 15 minutes each night before bed. I can't teach Pilates well with tight hammies.
8. Start making Lola's food at home.
9. Go to the Bodies exhibit.
10. Observe 1 Pilates classes each week.
11. Attend 2 Pilates classes each week.
12. Study study study anatomy for at least 30 minutes per day. Maybe on the elliptical.
13. Read for one-hour a day. (Hulu keeps on distracting me from the simple joy of reading).
14. Marry a millionaire who likes paying vet bills. ;)

Bummed.

Depression is a sneaky fellow. Just when you think you've got it together, that things are going well, it sneaks up behind you. In my case, it tends to come around after a productive activity: I come home to an empty house where my phone doesn't ring, where there are no visitors, where I am alone. All of that productivity ends up being counteracted by sulking.

It just doesn't feel right. The only words said to me were "We're letting you go. We need someone here full-time and last Friday an incident occurred. We have paid you for this Friday. (It was Thursday, end of day). I need your key-card now. I'm sorry this didn't work out." Obviously I could have asked for more clarification, but I was in shock. I wasn't happy in my job so I just accepted the information and quickly cleared out my desk before I burst into tears. Even so, I deserved more than the words above for 2 years of hard work. I know that it is all business to them but it makes me wonder. What are the real reasons? If it was just because I asked to leave at 2:30pm every other Friday, why couldn't a conversation have occurred? Why, when I asked for help 2 weeks prior was my request ignored? When I was overwhelmed absolutely no recognition or accommodation was made. Why was everyone else having annual reviews and no one cared to tell me: we aren't reviewing you because you will be gone at the end of the week. I don't even get feedback on my last year of employment. Yes, it doesn't mean anything to them since I would not be working with them in the future, but it would have been nice. Was I let-go because I was a horrible worker? Right now, that is what it feels like. I know that I was good at what I did, but unfortunately my supervisors were rarely involved in my daily work and often had no idea what kept me busy for 8-11 hours a day. When I returned to my desk after the above 5 sentences were said to me by the COO (neither of my supervisors were present) I was locked out of my computer. Complete lack of trust. Others have been laid off, but they got time to get their things in order and pass them on. I got nothing. If I wanted to steal information or sabotage something I had complete ability to do so. I had a folder that contained passwords to computers and voicemail for both owners of the company, the executive assistant, the human resource manager, a principal and two associates. I could have remoted into any of those computers from home. But I deleted the remote access programs the instant I got home. I also had access to 2 company credit cards. Come on, that is more useful than access to email. Within 5 minutes of being told I was no longer an employee I gave that folder to the COO. He looked at me with a shocked expression. What do people really think of me? Why is it such a surprise that I would make sure that information made it into trusting hands? Why was it commendable that I wrote emails to everyone I was doing work for to tell them where I left off, what was left to do and any action items they now needed to complete? I am human. I cared about those I spent 40+ hours with each week for the past 2 years. I was comfortable in my job, but obviously management was uncomfortable with me.

I know it is just business but it scares me that this decision was made days or even weeks before I was handed my check. They had already posted an ad, interviewed and hired someone before informing me I was terminated. All of the pieces keep coming together. When I was in DC, the charrette I organized went amazingly, flawlessly in fact. At the end of the day my coworker was slow to say good-bye. He said his normal thank-you, but a little more repeatedly than normal and hugged me. He had never done so before but I didn't think anything of it. I like hugs and figured the informal nature of an out of office charrette allowed that bond to happen. Then, my supervisor/boss walked me back to my hotel. At the end of our walk he gave me this awkward handshake. Another new gesture. A little formal, but I was tired, I didn't analyze it. I just thought that since we hadn't worked closely over the past year that we didn't have the hug-bond anymore. Then, when I saw the same coworker in the office 2 days later he seemed surprised to see me. He thought I wouldn't be in the office for another day. Then, he discussed with me in detail the framework for an interesting long-term project I was undertaking. In my head I thought, Finally, a project I am interested in and one I will excel in that will demonstrate why he hired me. Nope, shot down again. Just sucks that he was one of the powers-that-be that decided I was no longer a part of his team and got my hopes up.

I just don't get it. I know that there are many other factors that may have influenced their decision. But it feels as if a few people didn't like me so I was ousted. Left broke and scared. Unemployment, if granted, only covers my mortgage and monthly bills. It is not enough for food or medical care. I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroid, but I can't afford to get blood tests done for my follow-up to make sure the current treatment is appropriate. My dog is STILL sick. She wakes up coughing multiple times in the night. The vet wants to do another transtrachial wash which is a $300+ procedure. Then I got a letter in the mail saying I was in an accident. I was not, but insurance agencies can be ruthless. Basically I have to put in the same amount of effort to prove they are lying, that I would had I been in an accident for real. I also have re-opened the mold/leak claim in my home. My dog always coughs in my complex, but not in other people's homes. When I took a nail out of the wall, it was rusted. I also spent $1000+ on accomodations, food and travel for work in DC. I was told all of these expenses would be reimbursed immediately upon my return. I have not seen a dime.

I tried to kick depression in the butt by being positive right out of the gate, but that ain't working. Reality just keeps coming. I definitely have some great things happening in my life. But right now, at the end of the day, this is what takes over my mind and brings out the pessimist in me. I have always prided myself in being optimistic no matter what is thrown my way. I am always able to see the best in things. Yes, I do see the positives in this situation, but unfortunately those negatives listed above are blocking me from getting to the positives parts of the situation. I really hope that I can outsmart Sir Depression before he moves into my life for good.