Bummed.

Depression is a sneaky fellow. Just when you think you've got it together, that things are going well, it sneaks up behind you. In my case, it tends to come around after a productive activity: I come home to an empty house where my phone doesn't ring, where there are no visitors, where I am alone. All of that productivity ends up being counteracted by sulking.

It just doesn't feel right. The only words said to me were "We're letting you go. We need someone here full-time and last Friday an incident occurred. We have paid you for this Friday. (It was Thursday, end of day). I need your key-card now. I'm sorry this didn't work out." Obviously I could have asked for more clarification, but I was in shock. I wasn't happy in my job so I just accepted the information and quickly cleared out my desk before I burst into tears. Even so, I deserved more than the words above for 2 years of hard work. I know that it is all business to them but it makes me wonder. What are the real reasons? If it was just because I asked to leave at 2:30pm every other Friday, why couldn't a conversation have occurred? Why, when I asked for help 2 weeks prior was my request ignored? When I was overwhelmed absolutely no recognition or accommodation was made. Why was everyone else having annual reviews and no one cared to tell me: we aren't reviewing you because you will be gone at the end of the week. I don't even get feedback on my last year of employment. Yes, it doesn't mean anything to them since I would not be working with them in the future, but it would have been nice. Was I let-go because I was a horrible worker? Right now, that is what it feels like. I know that I was good at what I did, but unfortunately my supervisors were rarely involved in my daily work and often had no idea what kept me busy for 8-11 hours a day. When I returned to my desk after the above 5 sentences were said to me by the COO (neither of my supervisors were present) I was locked out of my computer. Complete lack of trust. Others have been laid off, but they got time to get their things in order and pass them on. I got nothing. If I wanted to steal information or sabotage something I had complete ability to do so. I had a folder that contained passwords to computers and voicemail for both owners of the company, the executive assistant, the human resource manager, a principal and two associates. I could have remoted into any of those computers from home. But I deleted the remote access programs the instant I got home. I also had access to 2 company credit cards. Come on, that is more useful than access to email. Within 5 minutes of being told I was no longer an employee I gave that folder to the COO. He looked at me with a shocked expression. What do people really think of me? Why is it such a surprise that I would make sure that information made it into trusting hands? Why was it commendable that I wrote emails to everyone I was doing work for to tell them where I left off, what was left to do and any action items they now needed to complete? I am human. I cared about those I spent 40+ hours with each week for the past 2 years. I was comfortable in my job, but obviously management was uncomfortable with me.

I know it is just business but it scares me that this decision was made days or even weeks before I was handed my check. They had already posted an ad, interviewed and hired someone before informing me I was terminated. All of the pieces keep coming together. When I was in DC, the charrette I organized went amazingly, flawlessly in fact. At the end of the day my coworker was slow to say good-bye. He said his normal thank-you, but a little more repeatedly than normal and hugged me. He had never done so before but I didn't think anything of it. I like hugs and figured the informal nature of an out of office charrette allowed that bond to happen. Then, my supervisor/boss walked me back to my hotel. At the end of our walk he gave me this awkward handshake. Another new gesture. A little formal, but I was tired, I didn't analyze it. I just thought that since we hadn't worked closely over the past year that we didn't have the hug-bond anymore. Then, when I saw the same coworker in the office 2 days later he seemed surprised to see me. He thought I wouldn't be in the office for another day. Then, he discussed with me in detail the framework for an interesting long-term project I was undertaking. In my head I thought, Finally, a project I am interested in and one I will excel in that will demonstrate why he hired me. Nope, shot down again. Just sucks that he was one of the powers-that-be that decided I was no longer a part of his team and got my hopes up.

I just don't get it. I know that there are many other factors that may have influenced their decision. But it feels as if a few people didn't like me so I was ousted. Left broke and scared. Unemployment, if granted, only covers my mortgage and monthly bills. It is not enough for food or medical care. I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroid, but I can't afford to get blood tests done for my follow-up to make sure the current treatment is appropriate. My dog is STILL sick. She wakes up coughing multiple times in the night. The vet wants to do another transtrachial wash which is a $300+ procedure. Then I got a letter in the mail saying I was in an accident. I was not, but insurance agencies can be ruthless. Basically I have to put in the same amount of effort to prove they are lying, that I would had I been in an accident for real. I also have re-opened the mold/leak claim in my home. My dog always coughs in my complex, but not in other people's homes. When I took a nail out of the wall, it was rusted. I also spent $1000+ on accomodations, food and travel for work in DC. I was told all of these expenses would be reimbursed immediately upon my return. I have not seen a dime.

I tried to kick depression in the butt by being positive right out of the gate, but that ain't working. Reality just keeps coming. I definitely have some great things happening in my life. But right now, at the end of the day, this is what takes over my mind and brings out the pessimist in me. I have always prided myself in being optimistic no matter what is thrown my way. I am always able to see the best in things. Yes, I do see the positives in this situation, but unfortunately those negatives listed above are blocking me from getting to the positives parts of the situation. I really hope that I can outsmart Sir Depression before he moves into my life for good.