Transparency

I wouldn't call it a fault, but I am not able to hide my emotions well. I take that back. When I am dealing with emotions internally, such as those in my personal life that have no logical roadmap, I am able to hide them from others and go along with my daily tasks. However, when in a situation that is completely illogical or frustrating, my face tells it all. On a recent occasion at work I was paged and told I needed to report to my boss immediately. I was in a meeting with an architect, for whom I was producing a document that was to be sent to the client within an hour. I said I was busy and she said this was urgent and I needed to come right away. It was not, it was for her convenience so she would not have to tell me later in the day where to move some architectural models. When I returned to my one-on-one meeting with a busy and frantic architect he said: Your face turns red when you are frustrated. I like that about you. You are easy to read.

It is good. As long as I am around people who are willing to find out what it is that I am frustrated about. Today it became apparent just how transparent my emotions regarding my frustration at work have been. When I started at this company I had big picture initiative and started numerous organization and best practice efforts. Most of my efforts were appreciated in theory, but never implemented. Not because they were bad, just because this company has no policies that they hold their employees accountable to and therefore my efforts, the reason I was hired in my position just seemed like a waste of time. Anyway, that is another rant.

I went to my other boss, the planning one, to ask him for a receipt. That is when he approached me about my current attitude at work. He perceived and was experiencing the detachment and called me out on it. He went on for a good ten minutes on all of the things he has done for me and that I have not taken advantage of them. He also outlined tasks that he gave me that I have not followed up on or been consistent on. He said that I have not been been standing up for myself when Tanya or David ask me to do admin over planning work. He then asked me to think about all of this and make a decision in the next few days because he needs to hire help as soon as possible. I understand and acknowledge all that he said. There is another side to most everything that he mentioned. One example being meeting agendas. He asked me to meet with him with a meeting agenda in place for him to add to. Problem is, I can never find him. He is always in meetings, out of the office or on the phone. When they moved me away from my coworkers within the office collaboration went down the drain. He accused me of not inserting myself into the marketing group since that is one thing I have shown I am good at in the company. Every time I try I am told there is nothing I can help with. Every now and then I go above our marketing rep to the marketing manager. She always lets me help her lighten her workload, but not the planning marketing contact. I could justify almost every statement but what it comes down to is my passion. It is not in planning. As much as I tried to convince myself it was, I can't find the spark.

This is when the boss I came to the company for shined through the frustration. I have more than once had him vent at me for things completely out of my control because, well, I listen. There was more vent related to me than normal, but a lot of his frustrations with me are out of my control. Anywayz. When I told him that I do not feel my heart is in planning he openly spoke with me spiritually. He believes there is a reason I came to work for him, even if it wasn't related to his work. I agree. When I came to the company I was in need of stability and emotional support. I had begun the task of taking care of my father without the support of my family. My coworkers became my family. I had work to do taht intrigued me, but allowed me to go home and take care of my father. My friends were supportive, but they couldn't understand completely what I was going through. At work I was surrounded by people who had gone through similar situations. My coworkers were 1/3 of the attendees at my father's funeral. I think that is what brought me to him. He gave me emotional stability through a great network of coworkers, challenging distractions from my home life and a stable income to keep myself healthy.

Now it really is time for me to move on. I told him my desired direction and interests, so he knows that my heart lies elsewhere. I have a feeling he is going to give me the kick in the pants that I need. I will miss these chats with him, even if I always feel I should have a glass of wine afterward. I have never called someone sage, but he deserves that title. My next task is to write an agenda for my follow-up chat with him this week.